Page 44 of Always the Bridesmaid

Slowly, steadily, Charlie and I step out of the building and walk behind the guests sitting on the right – not specifically the groom’s family and friends, per tradition, but a mix of all the guests, as Jake and Jess requested – then turn right, down the aisle, toward the groom and his best men.

‘Did you really call me an asshat?’ Charlie asks, for my ears only.

Biting down on my tongue to stop myself from firing a retort, I brush him off and smile for the guests, many of whom are taking pictures.

‘Are you ignoring me?’

‘Sure am,’ I reply through my teeth, beating myself up for even responding to him at all.

At the front of the aisle, I wink at Jake, who looks more nervous than I have ever seen him, then part from Charlie, moving to stand to the left of the archway, as he moves to the right.

It is done. No need to speak to him or touch him again.

La la la la laaaaaaaaa. Life is such a dreeeeeam.

As I stand in position, watching Jess glide down the aisle, I realize that, unbeknown to him, Charlie has managed to completely distract me, right at the moment my body had decided to fall into grief. Instead of internally breaking down because I can’t be here with Danny, amongst my friends, enjoying this celebration of love, I was arguing with Charlie.

For the briefest moment, I soften toward him. Could he have saved me intentionally? Defended me with his humor? Then I remember he is an asshat and he couldn’t possibly have done something as kind as that on purpose.

Despite my partner, I am pleased to have walked down the aisle first. I’m in prime position to see Jess walking toward her soulmate, to see the radiance in her face that has nothing to do with make-up or sparkling blusher. Better than that, I get to witness the moment Jake finally sees Jess. The moment he takes in her beauty, as outstanding on the outside as we all know her to be on the inside.

If I have one regret from my own wedding day, it is that I didn’t arrange for a wedding video to be taken, because all of the photographs of this moment in my wedding are of me walking down the aisle. I have longed to see the moment when Danny first saw me walking toward him, regretted not having it captured so that I’d be able to replay it time and time again. I remember the way he looked at me. The sparkle that lit up his otherworldly eyes. The way he gently caressed my cheek with his fingertips as he lifted my veil back from my face. That first smile he gave me on our wedding day. I am terrified that my memories will one day fade.

Jake and Jess have written their own vows, which they speak with depth and honesty, authenticity. I am mostly pleased that they haven’t relied on traditional words and that awful line about loving each other until parted by death. I said that line on my wedding day and now, in the wake of Danny’s death, merely saying I would love him until his death is not enough. Not even forever would have been enough. I hope that, wherever he is now, he knows that I still love him and always will.

After a charming service with personal words from the officiator, Jake holds Jess’s cheeks in his palms, looks into her eyes, and kisses her as if they have been apart for ten thousand nights, not one.

Everyone cheers, and under the canopy of biodegradable confetti, the newly married couple lead the bridal party and groomsmen back down the aisle.

‘It was a nice service,’ Charlie says as I reluctantly link my arm through his one last time.

‘Please don’t speak to me,’ I reply.

And clearly my tone is not sufficiently or adequately conveyed, as Charlie’s response is casual laughter. No matter – after thirty more steps or so, I will never have to touch him or speak to him again, for real this time.

18

CHARLIE

Oh, she’s pissed off all right.

Watching Sarah actually try to express anger is almost comical. She knows how to be mardy as hell – I have witnessed her whip of the tongue – but this angry show she is putting on today is hilarious. I have to keep reminding myself that she probably thinks my ignoring her yesterday was similarly ridiculous. But she didn’t know my rationale. My ignorance was reasoned. Protective. Today, she is simply playing a game of tit-for-tat.

The thing is, as I lay alone in our bedroom last night, I came to the realization that, for whatever reason, completely baffling to me, I was missing Sarah's company. It was utterly bizarre because I hate sharing my home and especially my sleeping space with other people. My bedroom, if not my entire home, is my sanctuary. Yet, last night, in the double bed (which I will not confess to Sarah so that I won’t have to change the sheets tonight), I could smell her scent on the pillows and, oddly, wished that she was in the room making fun of me or issuing one of her silly jibes.

It also occurred to me that I had been staying away from her for two reasons. First, because I was told to by her mafia bosses and secondly, because I didn’t want to upset her when she has already been through so much in her life.

But… after today, I won’t really be seeing Drew and Brooks again, and Jake, well, I can take him, easily. Well, okay, not easily. Maybe not at all. But I know Jake and don’t fear his wrath, not the way I’d fear Brooks aka The Thing from Fantastic Four.

As to the second point, clearly me ignoring her had made her unhappy too, so either way, she is angry with me. Ergo, I might as well get some enjoyment out of the situation. Plus, after today, I might not ever see her again. (Maybe I should encourage Jake and Jess to have kids and throw a big christening bash.)

Furthermore, and more pertinent, whenever I see Sarah today, in moments where she doesn’t realize that she is under a watchful eye, she has looked sad. More than sad. Heartbroken. She clearly still loves her husband. Of course she does. And that makes my crush on Sarah a safe space. Because, whilst I indulged a moment of flattery in which I dared to believe that Drew, Brooks and Jake were right to think Sarah might like me even the smallest amount, I know I will never be able to compete with the man she holds in such high regard, dead or alive.

All I have wanted today, in those moments of sadness I have witnessed, is to make sure Sarah is okay. To make sure someone, in amongst the wedding bliss, has thought to ask her if she is doing all right.

The wedding guests have moved on to a south-facing part of the estate whilst the ceremony area is reset for the wedding breakfast. Out of the shade of a parasol, I am hot, extremely so in a three-piece morning suit. I have escaped to the respite of a picnic table and managed to steal some moments of shade here and there but mostly I’ve been in or around the photographs being taken of Jake, Jess and their family and friends. The photographer has taken all the usual poses, like the groomsmen holding up the horizontal bride, the groomsmen walking in a line, as if they’re about to step onto a space shuttle, much like Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck in Armageddon (minus the big orange spacesuits).

Throughout the taking of photographs, Sarah and the other bridesmaids have corrected Jess’s clothes, repositioned her hair when it’s been moved by the occasional light breeze, and generally, on the instructions of the photographer, marshalled the guests around.

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