Page 34 of Always the Bridesmaid

‘I suppose it is nice that they’re so protective over you, even if it’s in a hugely oppressive way,’ Jess says.

I am lucky to have such good friends in my life to look out for me. I am a big girl but doesn’t everyone need a little support sometimes?

Keen to change the topic, I ask, ‘How was lunch with your in-laws-to-be and your aunt and uncle, Jess? And how was the balloon ride with Drew, Becky? And Izzy, what did you, Brooks and Cady get up to yesterday?’

‘Hold the phone. Before we move on, can I just clarify, do you like Charlie?’ Jess asks.

‘Charlie in a good mood or bad mood?’

Jess scoffs. ‘Understood. He’s a complex character.’

Speaking of complex… ‘Actually, Jess, he mentioned in his performance that he grew-up in foster care. Is that true or was that just for laughs?’

‘I guess his past is his story to tell, just like everyone’s is, but yes, that much is true. He had a pretty rough upbringing.’

It’s unlike me to not give my friends my full attention but as I listen to their stories from the day before, the romance of Drew putting his arms around Becky in the hot air balloon because she is afraid of heights, how Jake pulled out all the stops to make Jess's family as comfortable as possible at the dinner table, and how Izzy and Brooks had strolled behind Cady hand-in-hand as they had wandered down rows of grapevines with Cady taking pictures as they went, I am distracted.

It strikes me, once more this trip, hearing about my friends living their lives, just how alone I am. They are building their families, and while I know they love me as a friend, I’m not part of those immediate families. At the same time, I’m having visions of Charlie as a boy, neglected, abandoned, hurt. Lonely.

I know I shouldn’t write his past for him – I have no idea what he has been through – but I wonder about his gags, about his mother and her drug addiction. I wonder whether he has been in foster homes, how many families he had had during his upbringing, and I wonder if one of the reasons he puts himself through clear anxiety to get on a stage and make people laugh is because laughter has been his medicine throughout his youth.

I don’t know the answers to these questions and I shouldn’t make them up myself but my stomach is contracting with a sickly combination of feelings – love, loss, anger and sadness.

‘Can I get another piece of that bread, Becky?’

If there is one thing that will help a sickly stomach, it is overloading on comforting carbohydrates.

14

SARAH

Jess has made clear from the beginning of wedding planning that she wants a small affair. She describes her style as ‘Bohemian’ and that is what she’s had in mind during our months of planning.

As these events tend to do, the wedding has taken on a life of its own and is now much bigger than Jess intended, though she did always plan to have three bridesmaids: Becky, Izzy and me. All along, Jess has maintained that we should choose our own bridesmaid dresses, in any style we feel comfortable with, and that her choice of wildflower bouquets will naturally tie us all together and signify our importance.

Now, Jess, Becky, Izzy and I are standing in an exquisite bridal store, which is managed by another good friend of Jess’s – Carrie, whom she knows through their joint connection to the fashion industry.

Carrie is more luxurious-chic in her style than Jess but the ease with which she makes conversation and makes all of us feel comfortable is a trait she shares with Jess.

Carrie fills five glasses with Spanish cava and hands them to each of us, raising a toast to Jess: ‘The most beautiful bride the world will ever see.’

Becky, Izzy and I sent our measurements for our dresses in advance, months ago, in lieu of being able to visit the Surrey-based store. Today will be the first time we have tried on our dresses and I am praying that they fit. Not least because there is no time in the schedule for alterations.

‘So, when you’re ready, Jess,’ says Carrie.

The rest of us take seats on a fine upholstered sofa with our drinks and listen to the pants, grunts and moans coming from behind a curtain as Jess wrestles her way into her bridal gown.

There is a moment in my mind where I wonder if she has surprised us all and gone for a very traditional style of dress. I remember being manipulated through similar grunts and yelps into my princess gown when I got married. But when Carrie steps out from behind the curtain with a beaming smile and reveals the bride-to-be, I see a remarkable looking bride, every bit in in her own style.

The dress has a bodice, buttoned from beneath Jess’s shoulder blades all of the way down to her sacrum, which she shows off as she twirls, happiness making her eyes dazzle. The long flowing matte crêpe material swishes as it sweeps the floor and the small trail at the back twists the fabric about her ankles. It has a square neckline and long sleeves, which button at the wrists. It’s stunning. Jess is stunning. And my stomach dances at the thought of Jake seeing his bride for the first time in less than forty-eight hours.

I don’t realize I’m crying until Carrie holds out a box of tissues for me to take.

I’m not sobbing – snotty and ugly crying. Silent tears roll down my cheeks, a mixture of happiness and grief. As I celebrate the marriage of my friend, I am mourning the loss of my own.

Carrie asks Jess if she can try an accessory on her head and when Jess agrees, Carrie places a wreath of wildflowers on top of her long flowing locks. It looks wonderful.

‘What do you think?’ Carrie asks Jess, who looks at herself in the mirror and says, ‘I love it.’

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