Page 86 of A War of Embers

“This pain sucks.” I don’t mean to say the words aloud, but they slip out in a whisper regardless.

Micah lets out a slow exhale. “My advice to you, Keres Anderson, is to go home to your mate. Understand and listen to him. I’m sure he’s done plenty of ignoring of your wishes, but sometimes we cannot see past our own pain to listen to anyone else’s. Something I’m sure you’re aware of.”

Meaning neither Rowan nor I are listening to each other because our wants and needs are in direct contrast to the others. I can’t deny we’ve been doing that. We both simply want to be right.

“Your time to be here hasn’t come yet.”

“So you know when my time is up?” I can’t stop the sarcastic laugh that escapes. “Of course you do. But you can’t tell me anything about it, can you? You’ll tell me it depends on which path I choose to go down. Whether I decide to live or not.”

The corner of Micah’s cheek twitches in amusement. “Yes, I see you’re catching on.”

Unfortunately. “Anything else you want to impart on me before I leave?” I make a sweeping gesture towards the dark mountains that appear so far away now. The thought of trekking back as a failure pulls a deep sigh of pain from my chest as my heart lurches.

“Your suffering will ease, child. In whatever path you choose, you will find the peace you are desperately after.”

Somehow his soothing voice makes everything worse. My pain will end, but when? How much longer am I meant to walk this realm constantly being disappointed in myself for being unable to do a simple task such as removing a soul?

As the darkness closes in on my mind, I feel like I would have been better off never leaving the Cinnabar District. None of this journey I’ve been on feels worth it. Failure after failure. Hallsman would tell me I should never have bothered and just suckered some poor soul into swapping with me.

Knowing what I know now, I doubt it would even work. The option for trading is officially off the table. I’m stuck unless some higher being takes pity on me.

What are the odds Rowan’s godlike status and reach goes all the way to the Godlands?

Sighing, I scrub my hand over my face and try to gain some resemblance of sanity. I need to get myself together and stop wallowing in despair. Something will happen. I need to be ready when the time comes.

Turning to look at Micah, a jolt of surprise zaps down my spine as I realize I’m now alone. There’s no movement in the distance or varying path of wind to show where he disappeared to. Instead it appears like it did when I first arrived here, void of any people or things. It’s just me and the archway.

As tempting as it is to step through and see what comes of entering the Cliff of Embers, I know I’ll quickly be escorted back out. There’s no point in tasting serenity when it’s not ready to accept me.

Walking a few steps away, I settle down onto the curve of the hill looking out towards the dark mountains and take a few deep breaths. Going back to the estate in the Blood City is inevitable, but for now I can take a minute to calm myself and breathe as normally as I can.

Nothing good comes from destroying my surroundings in a fit of rage. Even if I can’t go through the portal where the dead are kept, being close feels just as stabilizing for now. Eventually this will be a distant memory where I can laugh at how disastrous my life was compared to where it is now. But that will be then when I can find the amusement in my situation.

Now I feel like my emotions are bleeding into everything. Anger, sorrow, depression, and hatred collide together in a volatile manner inside of my mind. I want to scream, cry, and rip into anything or anyone that crosses my path until I can purge the emotions from my body. A sliver of a memory halts me, reminding me how much I hated becoming numb to the world around me. Yet being numb is exactly what I’m after.

Pain lances down my chest like a knife drawing down my sternum. A sudden burst of emotion shadows everything else as sorrow takes the reins. A deep, bellowing wail screams from my lungs as my eyes blur.

For several long moments, I thrash against the ground trying to release the emotions constricting my mind and heart. I let loose all the fear and agony from my life. All the hatred and torture I was given to become who I am.

Hundreds of faces flash through my mind of the people I hurt or killed under orders of Lady Gwenyth. Out of my mind and controlled by a wicked part of me that knew no laws or morals.

How do you mourn a murderer? How do I carve out my beating heart to make up for the things I’ve done?

Why am I being punished to stay alive and bear witness to the crimes I had no option but to commit?

Another scream of sorrow tears from my lungs. I dig my fingers into the soil beside me, leaning forward between my knees to let my tears water the tall grass. The magic, be it my own or the one of this realm, shifts the ground beneath me until it turns to ash, the debris lifting on the wind.

Ripping the scarf off my face, I trap the fabric over my mouth to muffle the cries. Exhaustion begins to seep into my body as the cries die off. Wiping my eyes on my sleeve, I try to calm myself.

The wind still blows gently, moving my hair off my shoulders in a silent caress. The stillness of the land finally begins to seep into my bones. Collapsing backwards, I stare up at the gray sky, tracking the bright sun just beyond the veil of magic hiding Aïdes from the rest of the world.

My mind begins to wonder as I think about the veil. I fractured it several times since being here calling upon my sword with my magic. The veil is meant to protect this land, but how are people from Tellus crossing if the veil is meant to keep everyone out?

The only justifiable answer I can think of is the Blood Sea.

Did the Lords and Ladies of Tellus make bargains with the Blood Witch to cross her sea? I never felt anything when I came through the water into Aïdes. Maybe that’s why no one has been able to stop them from crossing. But how are they getting through the Blood City undetected?

Pulling in a deep breath again, I resist the urge to dismiss the claims this time. This is my business. I was stolen from this land. Taken by whomever wanted me for selfish, horrid reasons to use in an army meant to come back and destroy the very place that birthed me.

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