Page 77 of Before I Tell You

“Please? Don’t let those tools out there ruin our night. I promise we will have fun!” Her eyes are begging me to say yes, so, against my better judgment, I do.

“Ok. But I definitely need to get some food in my stomach.”

“Yes!” She grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowded bar. “You won’t regret this!”

Before leaving, we quickly pass by John and Kyle, still sitting in the corner but fixated on a few girls hanging on them.

Good riddance.

To my surprise, Sarah stops and yells, “Hey, boys!” And the second they look at us, she gives them the finger.

* * *

A few hours later, our Uber driver drops us off at the entrance to our building, and we both clumsily walk to our apartments in a fit of laughter, ready to end our girls night.

“I had a really fun time tonight. Let’s do this again soon!” Sarah hugs me tightly.

“I had fun too,” I reply as we part from each other and make our way into our own units.

And truthfully, I did. After we left the stingy pub and ventured to the nearby dance club, that is.

We spent hours dancing with each other, shoving mozzarella sticks in our faces, and taking advantage of the karaoke machine in the back of the club that no one else was using. It was truly a night to remember.

But every time Sarah and I shared a laugh, this little ping in my chest went off, a dull ache in my heart consistently reminding me of my best friend. The one I used to have this kind of fun with. The one I had dropped with no explanation, knowing the pain it would cause her. The one I hadn’t seen in almost a year. And the one person I was missing more than anything or anyone at this very minute.

Vanessa.

My Vanessa.

Something damp slides down my cheeks. I bring my hand up to my face and realize I’m crying.

I guess I had worked so hard to put Vanessa in the black hole of my mind, trying to block out every happy memory with her, that it took making a new friend to realize how much I miss my old one.

This would explain why I spent so much time alone this past year, hoping I wouldn’t remember what I was missing by avoiding nights like tonight. Hoping it wouldn’t bring back the regret and pain of losing the person in my life who played the part of the sister I never had.

I pull out my phone, alcohol clouding my better judgment, and for a brief moment, I decide to text Vanessa. I’ll tell her everything. I’ll tell her how much I miss her. How sorry I am about everything. How I’ve spent every day for the past year wishing I could turn back time.

But as soon as I see her name on my contact list, I can’t stop staring at her last name with dread.

Gordon.

And, unfortunately, realize I can’t text her. And will never be able to text her.

I wipe the remaining tears from my cheeks and try to convince myself it’s for the best. If I tell Vanessa what happened, it will only cause her pain, and I can’t be the reason for that.

I’m about to lock my screen when a notification pops up on my phone, alerting me that I have a voicemail. I walk over to my bed and fall into it, feeling exhausted, as I press play.

“Hey, Natalie, sorry I missed your text and call. I should have called you sooner, but my phone died on my way up here, and I just finally got it charged. Anyways, I miss you too. Like really miss you. A lot. I hope that doesn’t make me sound too pathetic, but it’s true. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Don’t forget to text me when you get home, please. Miss you, baby.”

An uncontrollable smile spreads across my face. It helps soothe that icy ache in my heart with some much-needed warmth.

My fingers type out a simple message for Nathan.

Me: I’m home. Wishing you were here.

I kick my heels off my swollen and painful feet and slide out of my dress so I can finally curl up in a ball under my blankets, ready to drift to sleep in anticipation of tomorrow.

Twenty-Four

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