Page 46 of Before I Tell You

Fuck.

I’m the last one left in class, still sitting in my seat with my head in my hands, shaking in frustration. There has to be something I can do to fix everything between us.

Making no effort to get up from my seat, I pull my phone out of my bag and see that I have three missed calls, all from my brother, Nick. My stomach turns, and I know this can’t be good. I call him as fast as my fingers allow, and he picks up on the first ring.

“Nate, you need to come home! He’s breaking everything in the house!” Nick shouts on the other end, talking so fast I can barely understand him.

“Hold on, I’m on my way!” I throw my backpack over my shoulder and run out the classroom door.

Fifteen

NATALIE

OVER THE PAST WEEK, I had been experiencing my own living hell. And it was my fault.

After Nathan and I had that stupid fight, I shut down. Miserably shut down. Worse than I think I ever have before.

I spent Sunday night at my family’s house feigning ill when my mother asked why I wasn’t going back to school. She felt so bad that she even made me her homemade vegetable soup and let me stay in my room completely undisturbed for the remainder of the night, which was truly appreciated on my part.

The next day, when Jason got home from school, I bribed him to take me back to Boston with the envelope of cash that my mom had left for me on the kitchen counter. Of course, Jason being Jason, he wouldn’t take the money.

He dropped me off at my apartment in the evening, and after I finally settled into my bed, I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for missing school. It was my first time skipping classes. However, I reminded myself that it was absolutely necessary because I had no idea how I would ever be able to look Nathan in his damn gorgeous brown eyes again. Not after what I had said to him.

You don’t deserve to be with someone like me. I deserve better than you. It’s that simple.

I cringed remembering those horrible words I had used to end things between us. I took Nathan’s own insecurity, his ridiculous belief that he didn’t deserve to be with me, and I used it against him by confirming his own fear.

And I lied. I lied to the guy who was begging me to tell him the truth.

Shame doesn’t even cover what I am feeling over this whole mess.

No, what I am feeling is …

Confused.

Depressed.

Frustrated.

Heartbroken.

Lonely.

Tired. Very … very tired. Emphasis on tired.

All in all, I’m a mess.

With each passing night, the nightmares only became worse. In fact, they were some of the worst ones I’ve had. I’m talking about waking up with my heart pounding out of my chest, sweat dripping down my neck, and tears raining from my eyes as I screamed out in fear.

I assumed the nightmares progressed because, for the first time in almost a year, I had come face to face with the man who haunted my dreams, Brian. And as true as this was, I also knew they were getting worse because I was fighting with myself to tell Nathan the truth.

But how could I?

If I told him, it would change everything.

First, it would change, or maybe even end, the relationship between my parents and Mr. and Mrs. Gordon, who have been friends for more than twenty years. Second, it would impact Vanessa, my former best friend, who I couldn’t even put into words how much I have missed. I only pushed her away because I never wanted her to find out how much of a monster her brother is, and I knew seeing her face would only remind me of him. And lastly, it would affect Nathan. Nathan and Brian aren’t just best friends. They’re more like brothers. And if I tell Nathan, well, I’m honestly not sure who he would believe, and it terrifies me to find out.

No, telling Nathan the truth is out of the question.

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