Page 58 of Wreaking Havoc on my Heart

Kitten: I’m starting to worry. Just let me know you’re okay.

Havoc: If you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine, but don’t ignore her.

I try to breathe as I type but find it harder and harder as I get the words out.

Arrow: I’m staying at my place tonight. The two of you deserve your own time together. Don’t worry about me, I just need to take a step back.

Immediately, Laney responds.

Kitten: You’re part of this, Arrow. What happened? Why are you pushing us away?

I don’t want to answer her, so I decide to turn off my phone, but just before I do, a message from Havoc comes through.

Havoc: Remember what I said about hurting her. Do it again, I dare you.

Then, the phone goes black.

I climb into my bed knowing I won’t get a wink of sleep. We have this one last mission. If I can hold it together until then, help Havoc keep her safe through that, then I can let them go. I can walk away. I have to.

They both deserve to be happy. They deserve each other.

???

I asked Alexi if I could board early and stay up front in the cockpit. He agreed without asking any questions. I need some space to figure out how to go about this mission and keep the people I care about safe while also separating myself from them.

I feel like I’ve done a decent job of that until about an hour out when Havoc walks in.

“What are you doing?” I ask him, standing to talk to him behind the pilot.

“Look, if you need your space, I understand. But I also need you to understand that you owe her an explanation. And just because you need space, doesn’t mean we do.”

He hands me a coffee, a perfectly steamed flat white. I stare at it.

“I don’t know what has you so bothered right now or if it’s the stress about what’s going to happen, but our girl is sitting out there thinking she did something wrong. I can’t have her in that headspace right now. I need you to fix it. Even if it’s just for her.”

His hands linger around mine as I hold the cup, and I wait for a sign that I’m doing something wrong here. If he really wants me in this, I need him to prove it right now. I need a sign.

The tension builds as his fingers move slowly around mine and the cup. His mouth parts and my gaze fixates on his lips, needing them to just come a little closer so that I can say fuck it to my plan of letting them go and keep them as mine instead.

“Arrow,” Havoc breathes, just enough for me to hear. I don’t respond though. A second passes. Then another.

When my eyes finally meet his, I don’t know what I see anymore.

He drops his hand and walks out, leaving me to remember why I’m walking away. It will hurt less if I do it, but I can’t have Laney hurt and distracted right now.

I square my shoulders, fortify my emotional wall, and go out to the main cabin. Havoc is rubbing Laney’s back, but I scoop her in my arms and lay her between us. She sinks into me, making my chest ache even more, but I can’t let her see that.

Instead, I play with her hair while her head is in my lap and try not to think about walking away from the first thing that’s brought me true happiness since my adopted mother.

Chapter 19

When we arrive in Russia, I can feel it. Arrow is planning on leaving. I don’t know what changed for him, but I can see Havoc is truly upset. We spent the entire night last night in each other’s arms trying to figure out what we could have done wrong or what could be causing this.

The only thing we could come up with was that he was scared. I guess it’s good he did this now because Havoc and I were both planning to tell him we loved him last night. If he’s already scared, then that probably would have sent him over the edge. But, I want him to know how I feel before we go into this mission.

Just in case anything happens, I need him to know how I feel. It’s completely selfish. I want Arrow to know so that I can see his face when he finds out. I want him to know because some small part of me hopes that if I say it, everything will be resolved and he will want to stay.

So, I decide to put it in our goodbye letters in case something happens to us and keep my mouth shut. I wrote one for Arrow and Havoc each so they both have proof that what we had was real even if I don’t make it.

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