Page 56 of Wreaking Havoc on my Heart

“Girl, teach me your ways, I need to make these men fear me just a little bit.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Those men are terrified of losing you. I’ve trained with Havoc for a long time. He is not about the sharing game, yet he dove in head first with you without question.”

“Really?” I mean, she’s right. He was on board before Arrow or even I was with the dynamic.

“He loves you, Laney. More than I’ve seen him love most.”

“He loves you too.” I see the way he looks at her and how much he wants to do right by her. The love word has yet to fall from his lips to me, but I know it’s coming. I feel the same way about him. In fact, maybe I won’t make him say it first. Maybe I’ll tell them both exactly how I feel.

“Yeah, but he loves you differently,” Evie says, settling back on some pillows. “He looks at you like he used to look at Ellie.”

She looks up at the ceiling with a sad look on her face. I know that Ellie passed away and that it was hard for him and Evie both to talk about, but that’s about the extent of what I know.

“So, I remind him of his kid? That’s kind of weird.”

“No, not like that. I think he always loved Vi, but he was never really in love with her. And I think she was okay with that. She just wanted someone to be there, and she trusted he would do that for her.”

She shifts nervously on the bed. We don't make it a habit to gossip, so I know she’s telling me this for a reason.

“But I remember this one day I was helping Vi cook dinner and Havoc got home a little early. I watched him silently enter the house to sneak up on Ellie. When she noticed him, her face lit up like the sun, but his face... Laney. It was like no bad things could touch him when he had her in his arms. The weight of what we did melted from him, and he smiled like I have never seen him smile before, not until you.”

My heart twists in my chest. Knowing he found that happiness only for it to be stripped away cuts deep. It’s the kind of hurt you feel when you see someone you love hurting, but you know there’s nothing you can do. It's the worst kind of pain.

“Do you think he’s really done with having kids?” I ask her. He knows I’m sterile and what I grew up doing. I just hope I’m not taking a piece of joy from his life that he might need more than he realizes.

“I know he’s done. He talked about getting a vasectomy once he got some tests back, showing that it’s possible for his future kids to have cancer. I don’t know if he followed through with it but after everything with Ellie, I’m positive he never wants to risk that again.”

That makes sense and actually makes me feel so much better.

“Thanks, Evie.” I take her hand in mine and she squeezes tight.

We talk half the night away and fall asleep in her giant double-king bed. She informed me she banished the boys to their old rooms for the night. I appreciate the room and silence. I love being the middle spoon, but it gets hot as hell sometimes.

Talking to Evie makes me realize just how much better our lives are now that we have each other, and I’m determined to find a way to keep us together. No matter what.

???

Havoc corners me the next day, the day before we leave for Russia. To say the air has been tense is an understatement.

“Hey, baby girl. Think we could chat for a bit?”

His tone is stuck between serious and playful, but if I know him, that’s just his way of trying to make light of something important to him.

“You can always talk to me, Havoc.”

I take his hand in mine and walk to the gym. I was planning on letting all this nervous frustration out on the treadmill. When we get inside, I set down my bag and turn to him.

“What’s up?” I ask. He gestures to the mats and we sit down to start our warm-up stretches.

“I wanted to talk to you about Arrow.”

“Okayyyy.” I lean into a stretch while keeping eye contact.

“I um…” I feel like this is it.

This is the ‘but’ I’ve been waiting for. He doesn’t want to do this anymore. I’m too much. Arrow is too much. He must see me getting emotional because he stops stretching and moves to my side.

“It’s not bad, I just…” I refuse to let the tears fall as he strokes a finger down my cheek. “I think I might have feelings for him too.”

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