Page 50 of Wreaking Havoc on my Heart

Havoc laughs. “I’m pretty sure E was in there with Laney studying.”

“Right, so then we’re just at risk of walking in on Damien and Lev then.”

We both snort as I lead him toward my house.

“Damien is pretty kinky. I bet I could learn a lot from watching him,” Havoc says just before we get to my door.

“Really? How do you know that?”

“I talk to him about it. I was struggling with a few knots the other day when we were trying to bring down the flags for the storm and he was way too good. Turns out he’s a full rigger.”

“Damn,” I say as I put the key in the lock and open the door for him. “That actually checks.”

“Right?” He nudges me on our way to the kitchen. “At first I was surprised and then I was like, actually…”

He shrugs and I know exactly what he means.

“So what else did he tell you?” I’m curious if we can get any three-way tips without actually asking for them. Havoc reads my mind and winks at me.That damn wink.

“Curious about how they all do it?”

I roll my eyes. “You know I am. Don’t make me say it.” As much as we give each other crap, I know he’s a safe space for me to talk about this stuff.

“He told me a few things about being with Lev and how he makes that work with E, but that’s about it. E is like a sister to me, so knowing any more details was just too gross.”

“Interesting.” I grab some beers and Havoc gets our food out of the containers and onto plates. We both sit down to dig in, but the need to ask him more is too great.

“So, you’re bi then?”

Havoc shrugs. “I’m just me.”

“But like, what does that mean?”

He’s mentioned he’s been with men before, and we will occasionally touch each other when having sex with Laney, but it’s nothing like Lev and Damien. I want to know what he’s thinking, what he’s into. The more we’re all together, the more I find myself liking him too. And it’s scary as fuck.

If a girl doesn’t like you back then it’s easy to just walk away. But what do you do if your girlfriend’s boyfriend doesn’t like you back? Or worse, you tell him you like him and make everything awkward.

I’m spiraling, stuck inside my own mind with all of the possibilities. I can’t like him. This isn’t a thing…to figure out your bi at thirty-something years old.

Havoc must notice my panic and the moment he takes my hand, the racing thoughts stop.

“Hey, look, it’s okay. Sexuality to me is fluid. I don’t have to put a label on it. If I like someone, I go for it. That’s all I meant.”

“What if…” I try to find the right words.

Am I trying to ask him if he likes me? Is that too high school? Oh my gosh, I feel like I’m back in high school right now.I swallow the lump in my throat.

“What if you don’t know what you like?”

“I think that’s pretty fucking normal, man. You never know until you try it.”

He lets go of my hand and digs into his food.That can’t be right though. You have to know before you try or you just look dumb.

“What made you try it?” Maybe if I can understand what he’s into, I can find a way to do that and figure out if it’s my thing.

“Oh, that’s easy. There was this guy when I first started training as a Shade, he was a real piece of work. He would pick on me and push me around. One night, he told me I needed to step up my training and when he pinned me by my throat, I smiled at him and said ‘harder’. He kissed me then, and it turned out he was so hard on me because he had a thing for me.”

“So, then you two what? Dated?”

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