Page 1 of The Mission

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Conrad wondered if there was a record for the number of times you could get dumped by the same guy. He didn’t want to add—in the space of a few months— because that made him feel even more pathetic.

Being dumped once should have been enough for anyone with an ounce of sense in their head—right? But he was either a masochist or stupid or both or… Well, he was a whole lot of things, but definitely, positively, absolutelynevergoing to go out with Mark again, so that was something. Though it had taken long enough for him to realise it.

That annoying little voice inside his head chimed in withDid you ever really love him?The answer wasprobably not. But when no one had ever loved Conrad, how was he to know how love should make him feel? He’d been taken in by a narcissist, who, for a while, had made Conrad feel better than he ever had in his life, but that was no consolation, no excuse.

Painful lessons had been learned. Eventually. He was ashamed it had taken so long.

First time it ended

New Year’s Eve—technically—New Year’s Day, but the trouble started at the party. It had all been fine. They’d been dancing and drinking and chatting to friends, then Mark had disappeared. When he’d reappeared, albeit not sniffing and rubbing his nose so that Conrad could have sat more firmly on his high horse about drugs, though it was enough to make Conrad confront him, especially when Mark had promised he wouldn’t do coke any more. Not surprisingly, Mark had blown up when Conrad had spoken to him.

“Just because I know how to have a good time and you don’t,” Mark had raged. “You sanctimonious piece of shit. Just lighten up.”

There was some truth in that. The first part, anyway. Conrad had never been the life and soul of anything. He’d always been the one standing in the corner, or with his back to any spare bit of wall he could find. Too anxious to ask anyone to dance—when he’d been into dancing. Too shy to ask anyone out—in case they said no. That night, he couldn’t prove Mark had taken something so he backed down.Yes, I even bloody apologised.And Mark had forgiven him. It made Conrad cringe to think about how he’d behaved.

They’d admired the London fireworks from the balcony of the flat they were in, Mark pressing his erection into Conrad’s arse, then gone to Mark’s place and Mark had left bruises on Conrad’s arms from how hard he’d held him when he fucked him.

That should have given Conrad a warning of what was to come, but it hadn’t. Well, not one that had sunk in.

“New Year’s resolutions,” Conrad said brightly as he brought Mark breakfast in bed at eleven on New Year’s Day, then settled beside him.

Though he didn’t feel bright because not only had he drunk too much but he’d not stopped Mark when he was hurting him.Pathetic, weak, too easily placated…Nor was Conrad in favour of making New Year resolutions, partly because he always broke them. Served him right for picking things he wasn’t likely to stick to. No alcohol and no chocolate for the whole of January was never going to work. He needed some pleasures.

But he figured if he and Mark made—or rather—chose things they could do or not do together, then maybe it would be good for their relationship, which Conrad had to admit, wasn’t all he’d hoped it would be two months down the line. Conrad had been on his own over Christmas—as usual—while Mark had swanned off skiing. It had been booked long before they got together so Conraddidunderstand, but he was disappointed.

Mark could be so great—I wouldn’t be with him otherwise, would I?— except the guy lay in bed, looking at Conrad with a sort of shifty, irritated expression that wasn’t down to Conrad not putting enough Marmite on his toast.

Is he that great?asked that little voice in his head.

Everyone loves him,Conrad replied.

“A different activity every week,” Conrad said quickly, already sensing theno. “I thought we could try that climbing wall near Victoria station. You mentioned it once and—”

“Don’t think so, babe.”

“Roller blading?” Though the thought of it made Conrad cringe.

“No.”

“Something else then?”

“Nah. Nothing else. Not sure I’m really into you anymore.”

Oh.Well, that had hurt.

A lot.

But then they’d had sex again and Mark had changed his mind. Though Conrad wasn’t so sure anymore.

Second time—Am I a glutton for punishment? Don’t answer that.

Conrad couldn’t really explain why three months into the year, they were still together, especially when Mark continued to leave bruises on his arms and occasionally elsewhere. It wasn’t an abusive relationship; it was just that Mark got a little rough sometimes.

Listen to yourself! It is not okay.

But…

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