Page 33 of Hold On

“You’re interesting,” Ren said.

“Am I?” Dominic made himself smile, though his stomach began to churn.

“Yep. I haven’t worked out why yet.”

“I could say the same about you, Mr Data Analyst.”

“You don’t think I’m a data analyst?”

“I’m not sure.”

Ren laughed. “You know the most difficult part of a data analyst’s job isusing data to persuade someone whose mind is already made up?”

“I’ve not made up my mind. I’m just suspicious.”

“I’ve made up my mind about you.”

Dominic turned to look at him.Show nothing.He’d had more than sixteen years practising that, perfecting his mask of invulnerability—making it his superhero strength—though the façade sometimes slipped. Emotional neutrality was the way to survive, to not show what he was feeling, hiding his emotions whether he felt happy or afraid because showing anything gave others the power to hurt him. The trouble was that hardening himself for so long had changed something inside him. Hard became harder. Cold became colder.

But if he was to properly live on this side of the bars and fit in with everyone else, then he had to change. He wanted to be happy, truly happy. He saw what Col had, and he wanted that. Dominic ached to be able to trust. He wanted friends. He wanted someone to love, someone to love him. He had to learn to…be…and in order to achieve that, he had to be different.

He looked down at his hand, spread flat on the sand, Ren’s hand in the same position a few inches away. Ren wouldn’t have come today if he hadn’t had some interest in him.Now I need to be brave.Dominic moved his hand, and laid it over Ren’s. Then he stopped breathing. When Ren’s fingers moved, Dominic thought he was pulling away, but as Dominic began to shift his hand and mentally compose an apology, Ren wrapped his fingers around Dominic’s and held tight.

“Thanks for not letting me drown,” Ren said.

Dominic was the one who was drowning, unable to suck in air, his heart racing out of control, the world spinning.

Neither of them spoke. They just sat there staring out to sea with their fingers entwined and in time, a kind of peace settled over Dominic, the warmth he was feeling not just from the sun. He’d taken a step into the unknown and nothing bad had happened. His heart calmed, his breathing settled. He thought about thanking Ren for not letting him drown too, but that would make no sense to the guy, though perfect sense to him.

If this was going to turn into something, Dominic would have to tell him the truth. It was counterintuitive, knowing the possible—probable—result, but it was the right thing to do. Doing the right thing was something Dominic clung to. If this—whateverthiswas between them—went somewhere, then there would come a point, sooner or later, that something would happen and lies would unravel. Then everything else would unravel as well.

But knowing he had to say something and actually doing it, was a step too far today, when all they’d done was hold hands. It was a strange feeling, knowing these might be the best few moments of any relationship he had, when he was accepted and liked by someone who knew nothing about him. The only time he’d be able to look into another man’s eyes and not imagine he could see distrust, disgust or revulsion.

Dominic didn’t try to kid himself that he’d ever find someone who was okay with what he’d done. Even if they said they were, he’d never be able to believe it. How could anyone look at him and not think he was a monster? But for this brief moment in time, he was just a guy holding hands with another guy, maybe at the start of something, and it made him feel genuinely happy.

But even as he thought it, doubt barrelled in, sweeping his shaky confidence aside. He needed to let go of Ren’s hand.Stop this now before it had a chance to bloom, because it would inevitably decay. He had to ignore the voice inside him sayingLet me just have today. One day. Please. Let me see if it’s going to grow before I poison it.If he could be sure his past would stay a secret, if he knew there was no possibility of someone ever finding out—would he keep quiet then? Was it only the risk of discovery that made him want to bare his heart?

I’m a murderer.How would any decent person react to that, let alone to the details of what he’d done?

Dominic’s mood began to curdle. He wanted to curl in on himself, pull back everything under his fragile shell. Or maybe stride into the sea and swim out, let nature decide whether he should live or die. But he pictured Col coming after him, his lovely, kind and gentle brother getting into trouble, and Dominic knew he wasn’t going for any long-distance swims. Then he was angry with himself for allowing the thought into his head. He’d not gone through all he’d endured to give up now. He had to think of Col, not himself.

Though there was one thing he could do. “While we’re out of Theo’s hearing, I should tell you that his sister died in an accident on a beach. A tunnel collapsed on her and Theo’s older brother. He got out but Felicity didn’t.”

“Oh God. So that’s what theno digging deep holeswas about.”

“Theo hadn’t been on a beach or in the sea for around ten years until he met Col. I thought telling you might avoid you unintentionally saying something inappropriate.”

“Thanks. I like Theo. Col’s a nice guy too. But you have different fathers?”

And here we go.“Same birth parents, but Col was fostered in his teens.”

“And you weren’t?”

“No. Are your parents still alive?”

“Yes. My dad’s a maths professor at Cambridge. My mum lectures in physics.”

“And your brother works there too. Were you expected to do the same?”

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