Page 65 of Cry For You

“Mommy, Landon!” Jacob’s voice blacks out everything but the shock of him and my mother, staring at the two of us, who are half-naked at nine in the morning.

I pull my arm away from around Landon so fast the breeze left behind fans open his unbuttoned shirt, exposing him, embarrassing me more than it should. The expression on my mother’s face siphons away the rest of the joy I had a moment ago.

“Jacob, why aren’t you with your aunt? Are you okay, baby?”

“Yes,” he says flatly. His brows pushing together, eyes turning between Landon and me, only to stay on Landon and his wide-open shirt.

My mother closes the door with a stiff smile at Landon, who is standing next to me, unsuccessfully trying to fix his pants.

“Why is my Mommy’s name on you?”

Holy shit. My heart slams to the floor. My past and my lies collide head-on, with my son smack in the middle. The adults flash-freeze—living, breathing statues. I can’t believe this is happening. I’m light-headed, internally hyperventilating.

“Mommy, why’s your name on Jackson’s dad?” He moves closer to us, standing in front of Landon with curious eyes. “Mommy said my daddy had her name tattooed over his heart because he loved her so much. Are you my daddy?” His hopeful eyes look to us. My heart breaks in a million tiny, jagged shards, tearing at my insides for being a coward. Forever telling him that lie.

“Baby,...no.”

“Why not? He has your name, just like you said. Can me and Jackson be brothers?” he says with the hopeful smile of a little boy who has found something he’s always wanted.

My hand grips my chest. I look to my mother, who’s just as much at a loss for words as I am. Landon, more composed than we are, sheds the shock first, bending down eye-to-eye with my son.

“Are you my daddy, Landon?”

“I’m sorry, Jacob. No, I’m not your dad.”

“Oh.” His little face falls. His chocolate brown eyes, so alert with discovery, turn down with sadness at the swift loss of what he thought he finally found—the dad he’s always wanted. The father he will never know, and I will do everything in my power to keep him from.

“Why’s my mommy’s name on you, like my daddy’s, then?” His eyes stray to his chest.

My lips tremble. I have to pin them in when Landon turns to me. I’m ten times a coward. I’m glad I can’t read the piercing look in his eyes. I don’t know what I can say to fix this to either of them.

He takes Jacob’s hand, which seem extremely small and out of place in his strong hands. “Remember, I knew your mom a long time ago?” Jacob shakes his head. “Well, we were friends before I moved away. Best friends. I loved her very much.” He points a finger to his chest. “I wanted to show her how much I cared about her. I wanted to see her smile, ‘cause that made me happy, and she did.”

“Did you know my daddy, too?”

The pain those words cause is gut-wrenching, to a point my eyes squeeze tight, holding my breath. I cannot imagine what it must be like for Landon, kneeling in front of the child of the man who shattered our lives almost beyond repair.

After a long pause, my mother’s footsteps move closer. She’s ready and composed enough to do what I can’t seem to get myself together to do, and should, as Jacobs mother: protect him from a clusterfuck of a mess that I created by lying to him, because I’m scared to tell him anything close to the truth.

“Landon,” my mother says, placing her hands on Jacob’s shoulder.

“It’s all right, Mrs. McQueen. Jacob and I have become good friends. I can answer his question.” My mother looks doubtful, but she keeps quiet, letting him continue without moving a finger away from her grandson. She and I both watch and listen intently for any sign this might go the wrong way.

Landon holds both of Jacob’s hands, moving closer by dropping to one knee, retaining eye-level contact with Jacob, who is anxiously awaiting his answer. “No, Jacob, I didn’t know him. But I knew of him. I heard he was smart and good at sports, but I didn’t know him. Jacob, you’re a great kid. Anyone would be proud to have you as their son.”

He solemnly nods at Landon. I can clearly see he wants more, but he takes what he can get for now. I know I need to make this right for him, and apologize for putting Landon in this spot where he has normalize a man he almost killed with his bare hands. This man, who loves his son, and is an integral part of his life, is having to cover for the man who nearly destroyed us both.

Without another word, Landon pulls Jacob away from my mother’s hands and into a hug. I’m close to breaking down on the spot. I can’t look at my mother. If I do, I know I’ll lose it completely.

“Jacob, let’s go get your bike so Aunt Shay and I can take you to the park,” my mother says.

“Thought you couldn’t come?”

“My plans have changed. Nothing else I’d rather do than spend the morning with my grandson. Say goodbye to Landon and hug your Mom.”

“Bye, Landon.”

“If it’s okay, you want to come next weekend to baseball practice with Jackson? I’ll even see what I can do about having you play as a part of the team.”

“Mom, please don’t say no. I want to go,” Jacob says.

They look at me for confirmation. I just nod my head, bringing a beautiful smile to his face and sending him running into my arms, his hand wrapped around my waist. I’m teetering on the edge of a total meltdown. How could I say no to either of them, after this morning? It would just be cruel.

When the door closes, Landon’s voice breaks away the last shred of composure I have left. “Come here.” He means to be soothing, as he wraps his arms around me, but the tears I could hardly manage to control for Jacob’s sake flow freely unrestricted down his chest.

“I’m sorry you had to do that. I’m crying all over you, like I have the right, when this is my own doing for taking the coward’s way out whenever he asked. Sorry.” I try to raise my head off his chest, but he doesn’t let me. Instead, he holds me tighter, in the safety of his arms, which I honestly don’t want to leave. It’s been a long time since I felt so secure, since I had a place where I could let go and not have to worry about someone else’s feelings along with my own.

“Lacey baby, you take all the time you need.” He strokes my hair. “You cry. I get it.”

Holding on, I do. This is what I’ve been missing.

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