Page 144 of The Holy Academy of Witches

“Sage, stop.” He grabbed one of my flailing arms. “Sage, I love you.”

The words struck me like a blow, paralysing me. The best I had hoped for was that he cared for me. But love?

“You don’t believe me?”

I shook my head slowly, trying and failing to keep my breathing even. He carried me to his bed, leaving briefly to put on a record that filled the space with calming tones. He sat at the edge of the bed facing me.

“Why don’t you believe me?”

“Because, it doesn’t make any sense for you to love me.”

“Why?”

“Because Cillian! You’re… Well, look at you!” I gestured at his stupid perfection with accusation, “Look at this!” I cried gesturing to his ridiculously amazing room, “And I’m… I’m just me.”

“Just you?”

I nodded, wondering if he was coming to his senses now. If his declaration had just been a brief lapse of sanity. Who was I to judge there? I had them daily.

“Alright then, ‘just you.’ What’s wrong with you? Why shouldn’t I love you? Tell me. I need a list.” He leaned back, reverting to the scholastic tone he used when he and I called to talk about the scrolls or books or magic in general. It was a relief in a way. The familiar role made sense, he wanted the facts, to see if I got them right. I could do that.

“I’m a mess for one, I can’t keep anything tidy. I’d be a terrible politician’s wife for two. I can’t remember names to save my life. I am barely scraping by in most of my classes. I cannot play the piano with any grace or skill. I have little to no social skills. I’m a nervous wreck that would prefer to avoid any and all stressful situations. I have terrible luck, probably cursed. I’m a coward-” he went to interrupt me but I barrelled on. “No, Cillian it’s true. I’m a coward. I’m afraid all the time. And I should be. I’m a walking target. Which is one of the biggest reasons you should stay far away from me. Why loving me is a terrible, horrible mistake. And you Cillian, you shouldn’t make this mistake. You’re going to do amazing things. You already are! I shouldn’t, Iwon’thold you back. It was selfish of me to continue this facade for so long. There are so many people that are dying to be with you. Better people with pedigrees and mansions and a knowledge of how your world works with it’s secrets, which I’m still barely scratching the surface of. I’d drown in that world Cillian, drown us both this time and I couldn’t bear knowing I was the reason you-” His strong hand covered my mouth, cutting off the string of facts that felt like ashes in my mouth.

“Saving you from drowning was the best decision I ever made. I will not allow you or anyone else to say differently, not in front of me.” I swallowed, nodding slowly until his hand dropped from my jaw only to rub at his. “I was going to let you continue, but something tells me we’d be here all night before you hit the bottom of that well, and I’m afraid if I let you go that deep I wouldn’t be able to bring you back up.” He scooted closer, toward the middle of the bed before placing his hand over mine to squeeze it gently. “Can I address the points you made? And give a list of my own?”

I squeezed his hand back, afraid of the kindness I saw in his smile. Afraid again.

“You are the most genuine person I’ve ever met, Sage. You turned my life of blacks and greys into technicolour. When I’m with you I feel like I can breathe again, like you’ve come and set the noose of my name aflame. I need your messes, I need to see that life is more than the rules I’ve been made to follow. I don’t need or want a glorified secretary for a partner, one that keeps the politicians names and secrets in her head like a file-o-fax. I already have them memorised anyways, and I don’t need any more money. I need you, I need the way you make me want to live. As for the coward thing, would a coward have come bursting into a clinic they knew was about to explode? Would a coward sell their deepest secret just to buy their twin a little peace? Would a coward go through the Run, just to try and prove a point? Would a coward join Adeline in unravelling yet another secret that could get her killed? No. They wouldn’t.”

“You’re being too nice to me.” I shake my head, waving an arm in front of me as if I could dismiss the pretty picture he had painted for me, painted of me. He grabbed my hand and brought it to his chest, kept it there until he could feel its steady beat.

“I swear to you, by the Horned God and Triple Goddess, by the forces of the sea, the sun, the earth, the sky, and all the celestial bodies that what I said and am about to say is true.” The marks on our wrist began to glow, something I wasn’t aware could happen. His heart beat continued its steady march beneath my palm. “Sage, I love you. I haven’t called off our fake dating because it was never fake for me. I was delighted at the chance to ask you out in a way you’d accept. And after you saved me, I waited for you to call things off. To cut the ties, but when you didn’t I just assumed you knew how I felt, but were too stubborn to admit it. So I played your game, giving you increasingly ridiculous excuses hoping you’d call me out. Hoping you’d show me you felt the same. Eventually I just decided to take what you would give me, wondering if you were too afraid to open up, but I always thought you knew. I thought I made it obvious that I didn’t care about anyone else, only you.”

“What about Adeline?” I ask, confused by that statement.

“You can’t seriously think I care for her like that. She’s basically my sister!” His tone was almost identical to Adeline’s back in the bathroom and I giggled, a wet, tearful sort of sound.

“I’m sorry it’s just, she said something similar earlier, I didn’t mean like that… I just… I’ve never had someone put me first. Not… not like that.”

“Do you want me to put you first? Would you let me?” He leaned to the side to catch my eye.

I was biting my lip, teeth sinking in so deep they broke the skin. When I tasted the blood I closed my eyes and made the most selfish decision of my life. I nodded.

Instead of being struck down, I was struck dumb by the whisper of Cillian’s lips against mine. Keeping my eyes closed I leaned forward. Letting my arms tentatively wrap around his neck, I pulled him closer. I then took what might have been my first full breath of the day, maybe the month. His citrus and leather smell cleansing and healing me from the inside out. He was mine, he wanted to be mine. I was letting him be mine. His kisses deepened as he turned from his seated position to grip me closer, as if he was afraid I would be torn from him if he allowed even an inch of space between us. I willingly shifted from behind him so my knees were beside him, needing him closer as the greed I’d been restraining was now fully unleashed. His touch left trails of fire beneath my clothes. One hand moving upward to bury in my curls while the other went downward, briefly squeezing my waist before continuing down my leg. I followed his prompt to move until I was straddling his waist, hovering over his lap. My uniform’s skirt draped over us, not offering me much of a barrier.

I paused, and he immediately withdrew.

“No expectations, Sage. Whatever you want.” His hands slowly lifted at my continued hesitation, and I reached for him hastily, putting them back where they were.

“I just… I wanted to warn you. I don’t know how my visions will react. I haven’t… I haven’t trusted them enough to do this before.” I gulped, uncertain if I needed to speak my virginity out loud.

“Oh. I see.” He said roughly, his hands tracing soothing patterns over my clothes. “Do you… Do you want to try now? Or wait?”

“I want you. I… I love you too Cillian. I know maybe it’s too soon-”

“We’ve been dating for months, not to mention you saved my life. I hardly think it’s too soon.” He interrupted with a smile, leaning forward until our foreheads were pressed together in a sort of grounding embrace. It somehow felt more intimate than the brush of our chests had been moments ago. “Have you renewed your contraception charm?”

“Yes.”

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