Page 96 of Stepping Up to the Plate

“I didn’t cheat on you,” I say for what may be the thousandth time. But I will tell her a million times if that is what it takes for it to sink in.

“I know,” she states.

“You do?”

“I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I believe you if you say you didn’t. You’re not a liar and frankly, I don’t think you had the time or emotional capacity to cheat.”

Filled with relief, I pull her into my chest. It takes a moment to realize she isn’t returning my embrace. I lean back to peer down at her. She’s stiff as a board, worrying her lip. “You say you believe me, but it doesn’t feel like we’re okay.”

“Are you sorry?” she asks.

“For what?”

Her neutral expression shifts to one of annoyance and sadness. “For purposefully misleading me, for betraying my trust, for putting us in the situation to begin with.”

“I didn’t betray you, I swear. I could have been more forthcoming, but I was trying to save you from unnecessary anxiety. I did what I thought was best based on how the night should have gone. I won’t apologize for trying to protect you, but I am sorry you were hurt. The situation spiraled beyond my control.”

She lets out a disappointed sigh. “I’m not saying it was your fault, but it was your responsibility. While you’ve focused on defending your need to protect me, you haven't considered how I was affected in the aftermath. You’re not the only one caught up in this. Your reputation is linked to mine. You never addressed the pictures more than to ask for privacy. You didn’t deny cheating allegations.”

“Because I didn’t care what people thought!” I snap.

“Did you ever think that I might? That while people may think you were a cheater, they would think of me as the poor woman who wasn’t enough? Or that the brand I’m building has its foundation set in boundaries and openness and people might think I wasn’t being true to that? Not to mention how embarrassing it is to have people assume you’ve been cheated on,again.”

Shit. I didn’t think about that. I have never put much stock into people’s opinion of me. I have thick skin and my livelihood is largely unaffected by the fickle court of public opinion. I forgot others don’t have that luxury. I knew I would be cast as the villain, but I didn’t consider how Lola would be judged or pitied the way a woman usually is when publicly scorned. Stay, go. It’s a lose-lose proposition for them. With her career focused on social media and how active she is within her community, of course she is forced to face the opinions of others.

When I don’t respond right away, Lola launches into a further tirade. “You should have told me what happened at the club as soon as it was over. It would have saved me the shock of sitting with those images for hours – days, really – questioning their validity. You were too busy trying to manage my perceived insecurities that you set us up for failure. I’m not fragile, Brady.”

“You’re right. I didn’t think about how any of this was affecting you outside of the scope of our relationship. I’m so sorry, Lola. No matter how unintended, my actions had consequences that affected you in ways I couldn’t anticipate. Had I been more forthcoming from the get-go, a good deal of this hurt could have been avoided. I truly apologize.

“And I know you aren’t fragile, baby. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. But I wanted to protect you anyway. I didn’t think any good would come from you knowing I was at the club. It would have stressed you out, and I wanted to keep the peaceful bubble we were in as long as I could. At the end of the day, it was about my own selfishness.

“It’s my job to manage situations that could negatively impact you. To try to stop hurt before it can get you. I failed this time.”

“That right there is our true problem.”

Her statement confuses me. “Our problem is that I don’t want to hurt you?”

“No. Our problem is that you are constantly trying to manage my emotional responses and I’ve let you. By letting you take on the bulk of my emotional baggage, I’ve neglected to process it and truly move forward from it. I let myself hide in your strength and care for me, as well as that of my friends, to avoid being alone with my emotions.

“I had been emotionally checked out of my marriage for months, if not years. But that doesn’t mean I was unaffected by it, as we can clearly see by the big emotions I had when I thought you’d been unfaithful. I let you take care of me so much that I forgot I could also take care of myself.”

“I love taking care of you,” I remark.

“You can still take care of me and not be the sole source of my inner peace. I spent a lot of time trying a lot of things. Over the past few days, I realized most of them were only skin deep. If I am going to be the best version of myself, I need to heal the wounds lurking under the surface. I can’t let you or Carina or throwing myself into work do that for me. I have to do the work on my own.

“Someday you might need me to shoulder more of the load. There will undoubtedly come a time when you need me to take care of you, no matter how much you try to avoid it. I need to be able to do that for you. I think I need some time to be on my own.

“I was on my own initially after leaving Phil, but I was still reeling from the betrayal. As a more whole and healed person, I need to prove to myself that I can stand on my own.”

I know there is a lot to unpack there, but I’m laser-focused on her saying ‘someday.’ To me, that means she is still in this, that there is still a chance. If that is true, then I can deal with anything she throws my way. As long as it is us together in the end, I can endure anything.

“What do you need, Lola?” I ask her, finally.

“Time,” she responds. “Alone.”

“You want to break up?” I know I said I could endure anything, but a breakup would be tough to come back from. Not being able to say she is mine will be next to impossible. We are meant to be. Can’t she see that?

“Not a breakup,” she asserts. “At least not permanently. I need to be on my own to show myself that I can. The same way I faced my divorce alone, I need to know I can thrive alone. I can’t test that if you are always there for me to lean on. I think this is the perfect time. You’re about to be in the playoffs. You don’t need the distraction of a tumultuous relationship.”

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