Page 74 of Don't Hate Me

With a frustrated sigh, I put the books back and moved on to my next area.

But there was nothing. After searching the kitchen, living room, and guest bathroom, I was left with no other place to look than the bedroom.

I tiptoed inside, checking to see if Blake was still asleep. I could just make out the heap of blankets she had covered herself with in my absence. The sound of her deep breathing filled the room.

Every time I slept over, I was always on the left side. There was nothing in that nightstand, I had already checked, so the last place to look was hers.

I was silent as I walked across the room. When I kneeled down, the boards creaked beneath my feet and caused me to freeze. I listened to see if the sound startled the little agent, but she didn’t so much as stir.

I didn’t want to find anything in the nightstand. I was praying that I wouldn’t.

I pulled it open slowly, noticing the all-black notebook at the front. I pulled that out first, flipping through the pages.

It’s a diary.

For some reason, I wasn’t surprised that someone like Blake had a diary. What I was surprised to find was just how long it had been going on for.

It dated back about eight years. So even before she went into the Secret Service.

I shouldn’t have been wasting time going through it, but the urge was too strong to ignore.

I never thought I’d be writing my last will and testament, but it’s becoming clearer and clearer that I may not make it here any longer.

He’s getting angrier. The times between are becoming shorter and shorter.

Mom, I’m sorry I’m leaving you so soon.

Burn my body. Leave no trace of me on this earth. If anyone wanted to do just a single thing nice for me please listen to this: when I die, erase my pitiful existence from this earth.

Her words caused my chest to squeeze painfully. They were so raw, so hopeless… and almost word for word what I had filled out for my contract with Rolf. There was a certain way they disposed of our bodies in order to keep their secrets intact, but many times the assassin would say what they wanted and it was up to the agency to decide whether it should be granted or not.

I too wanted to be burned. I wanted the entire world to forget about what I had done. I wanted my ashes to float up into the sky and, for once, give my soul a taste of the freedom I would never get.

But then, the quieter, sadder part of me always hated the idea of being burned. The same part was crying and screaming at Rolf to save me. Atmeto save myself.

My mind went back to the conversation we had in her bed while we looked up at the stars.

The secret we whispered. One that we knew would never come true.

A bit of a sign that someone came before you.

And that maybe someone will remember that I came before as well.

The memory hurt more now that I realized that it wasIwho would be taking her from this earth. Was her inner child also crying out with their arms wide open, their face covered in tears, their voice hoarse from screaming for too long as well? Or had it quieted over the years when she realized no one was coming to save her?

I flipped through a few pages. Each entry was longer than the last.

He brought me to a party last night but it was… different from before.

His friends were looking at me inthatway. A way that only he has looked at me.

When his hands trailed my thighs when they were looking, I didn’t know how to react.

He got mad when I pushed him away.

I still was unable to discern whohewas in this scenario, but maybe the friends were a part of Alec’s crew?

I flipped forward a few.

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