Page 15 of A Touch of Heaven

Damn, his height.

He pulls me in close and buries his face just above my breasts. His hands slip down my back. There’s so much unsaid between us. I can feel it, but neither of us talks. It’s better this way because neither of us will say the words we want to hear.

I know that if he looks up, he will see the pain in my face. I feel like someone has just cut me open, hollowed me out, leaving only a shattered heart, and sewed me back up again, leaving me to walk around broken.

I swallow my words and my tears because I know I will always choose this, having him here hugging me this closely over the alternative of not having him at all in my life. No matter how much it causes my heart to ache for a future we will never have. We stand like this in silence for a few beats, both of us not wanting to let go, but I do because if I hold on any longer, I will crack.

“Chase, it’s okay, let’s move past this. Let’s forget yesterday ever happened.” He nods, smiling at me with that sad smile again, and he looks like that twelve-year-old boy I met all those years ago.

That sad little boy who didn’t trust anyone or anything in this world. He’s still like that, but at least over the years, he’s come to trust a few people. That’s the thing with Chase. Everyone sees the guy he shows to the world, but he’s not really like that. He will give up everything to help the people he cares about. I push his hair back gently, trying to say goodbye to the dream I had of us together.

“Okay, now get out of here, perv. I need to get dressed.”

He chuckles, walking out the door. I take a deep breath, trying to get my emotions together, or else all I’m going to do is start crying again.I stand on my bed, staring at the door after he closes it.

You can do this, I think quietly.

I jump off the bed and find my phone, switching my morning music on, realizing it’s already noon. I opt for a white summer dress with little pink flowers and spaghetti straps. I pair them with my favorite wedges, giving me a little height so I don’t look too small next to him.

I apply just a little makeup, opting for a natural glow, and throw my hair into a high, messy ponytail. I look at myself in the mirror, and for a split moment, I wonder what it is he doesn’t see in me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not vain, but I know I’m not exactly a dog. I visualize Chloe in my mind and snort. We couldn’t be further apart if we tried.

She’s tall, I’m short.

She’s blonde, I’m brunette.

I have a soul, she doesn’t.

I’ve never been his type, and I never will be. It’s time I accept it and move on. I’ll let myself feel sad today, and it will be the last day I’ll give myself to daydream about what could never be. Dream of a future that will never happen.

After this, I’m closing those feelings off, and I’ll never look back. Even if it means my heart will always miss something. After all, I’m likehis sister. I feel a pain in my stomach like a knife is gutting me from the inside out, and I realize that pain is me finally accepting that the guy I’ve loved since I was five years old will never love me back.

I’ll have to watch him meet someone else, a girl like Chloe. He’ll get married to his perfect wife and have perfect kids and a perfect fucking life. I’ll always be on the sidelines looking at something I can never have, with who I thought might possibly be my soulmate. I can’t make somebody love me no matter how much I want it.

I blink back the tears in my eyes, threatening to spill and force a smile on my face.You can do this, Brooke, I think to myself.You’re strong. You’ve got this.I exhale, taking all that nervous and sad energy and expelling it out to the world, my breath shaky before I tell myself to walk downstairs.

I finally gather the courage to leave my room and bump into Harper outside. She’s been crying, I can tell. Her eyes are puffy, and her face red.

“Harper?”

She gives me a forced smile.

“Morning, Brooke,” I pull her into a hug.

“Harps, what’s wrong?”

She laughs a little manically. Okay, I’m definitely concerned.

“I’m nothing. I mean nothing to him.”

I know immediately who she’s talking about. “What happened?”

I have to ask her about what happened between her and Asher a couple of months ago because she’s not been the same since. Just a little bit more reserved, and I can tell her heart is not in anything anymore. No one else can see it, but I sure as hell can.

There was a party in the spring thrown by Nate’s brother and his friends. That night, I lost Harper in the madness of it all, and I was told Asher had dropped her off at home. But when I saw her again a few days later, she wouldn’t speak of that night. In fact, she physically excused herself from the conversation and disappeared every time I asked her.

One time, I found her crying in the girls’ restroom on campus, but she wouldn’t say a word about why. I wonder what happened that night every day, but she was still utterly and madly in love with Asher, so I hoped he wasn’t the cause of her pain.

Asher was complex for sure, but could I imagine him hurting Harper?

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