Page 81 of For Keeps. For Always.

Keep loving me.

I’m so mad at him for demanding I make that promise. For using me at my most vulnerable to vow something I wanted nothing to do with in the wake of my heartbreak.

I hate that I love him and likely always will.

I love that I love him hard enough that he’ll always own the deepest parts of my heart.

I hate the person he brings out in me.

I love that my love for him consumes me to a point where no one else exists.

I’m destined to love him. For keeps. For always. And for that reason, I hate the way I love him.

I check the time, knowing I should call it a night and attempt to catch a few hours of sleep before my flight tomorrow. But I can’t bring myself to leave. This place has become my security blanket, and tomorrow, I’m throwing it off.

My heart was broken, and I came to a place that could offer me peace. I overdosed on tea and spoke to flowers in an attempt to heal all that was destroyed inside me. The plants didn’t talk back, but their allure offered me a glimmer of hope. Even with a heart shattered beyond repair, grace and beauty can be found in the world. And slowly but surely, that beauty infiltrates you within, growing like a seedling and giving you the belief you can bloom again.

And that’s what I was going to do.

By. Myself.

I was going to fuckingbloom.

I was going to find happiness.Alone.

Alex was right. I owed it to any man in my future to erase the longing I had for my best friend before trying to move on. It wasn’t fair. Not for them and not for me.

Standing, I smile at the couple moving to occupy the table next to mine. They return the gesture before their focus returns to one another. I don’t let jealousy overtake me like it normally would. Love isn’t something to envy. It’s something to look forward to. It’s a hard lesson to learn, a more difficult one to accept.

Paying, I hand over the equivalent of one hundred American dollars to the cashier who is as close to any friend that I have here.

“No change,” I tell her. “Use the rest toward their meal.” I point at the couple I passed just seconds ago.

“You know them?” she asks in soft, broken English.

I shake my head. “A random act of kindness.”

A wide smile forms on her face. “So nice.”

“I won’t be back for a while,” I explain. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“Where to?”

“Sri Lanka.”

Her eyes widen.

“Tea gardens and mountains and beaches.”

“Take me with you,” she jokes. “Be safe, Henley.”

* * *

Bags packed,I drop to the hotel room bed. It’s soft, the goose-down comforter melding around my backside the way I’d imagine a cloud would feel.

A frivolous expense, one that I don’t partake in often. I’m comfortable enough in hostels and budget motels, but every once in a while, I splurge. I use up a chunk of my very limited savings for a spa bath and king-sized bed.

I’m excited about my next adventure, at becoming lost in this big, wide world. It’s nice to know how small and insignificant I am against the backdrop of Planet Earth. My past problems seem so purportless. It’s nice.

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