Page 35 of For Keeps. For Always.

Squirrel.

Baby.

“Did you speak to Evelyn?”

He sighs. “No. She won’t take my calls.”

“Oh, God.”

“Henley,” he groans. “Stop.”

“Stop what, Brooks? Stop thinking about all the ways I helped in shattering the heart of a seventeen-year-old girl? Stop thinking about how I acted exactly like the two people who made my childhood a living hell? Stop what?”

“Punishing yourself,” he answers quietly.

“It’s the least I deserve.”

We sit in silence.

“Evelyn’s heart isn’t shattered. Her pride, sure. Maybe she’s even hurt by everything. But that’s on me, not you.”

“It’s on both of us.”

“You’re not like them, Henley. Not even a little bit.”

I shrug, knowing he can’t see me. “I’m disgusted with myself, Brooks,” I confess. “Every time I think about that morning, I feel like I’m about to have a heart attack. I can’t erase it from my mind, no matter how hard I try. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m ready to vomit at any given opportunity.”

He barks out a laugh, the sound lacking any humor but filled with an immense amount of pain. “Funny, every time I think about that morning, I think about howrightit felt waking up next to you. How good it felt to kiss you into consciousness. I never want to erase it from my mind. Not ever. I want to remember how in love with you I felt sharing something we only get to experience once in our lifetime. I felt alive, Henley, and you feel ready to die.”

My jaw aches with how hard I clench my teeth.

“You don’t feel bad?”

“Of course, I feel shitty for hurting Evelyn. But I told you that she and I were nothing serious. We hung out a few times, and we made out a few more times than that. Evelyn knew I didn’t want to give her more. Yeah, I should’ve ended whatever the fuck was going on between us, but I was more concerned with burying my grandmother. And then you were here, and nothing else mattered to me. I can’t apologize for that.”

I don’t know what to say to that, so I don’t. I remain quiet.

He waits, the expectation in his breathing enough to make me clench my fists.

“Addy said you’re ignoring her too,” he finally speaks.

I sigh.

“Why?”

“She’s friends with Evelyn, Brooks.”

“And?”

“One, I don’t want to put her in an awkward position. Second, I don’t want her to tell me I’m a shitty person. I know that all by myself.”

“Why punish yourself for something no one else is judging you for?” he argues. “You did nothing wrong by Addy.”

“Maybe.”

He growls. “Not maybe. It’s the fucking truth.”

“I just need some time.”

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