“After New Year’s, I take it?” Stacey groaned. “Who am I supposed to spend New Year’s Eve with?”
“I’m sorry.” Iris gave Stacey her best sympathetic face. “But you know I wouldn’t be staying if I didn’t think this was what I wanted.”
Stacey’s smile said she understood. “I love you, Iris.”
“I love you, too. I’ll call you soon.”
“You’d better.”
After ending her call with Stacey, she leaned back on the futon. Not only did she unearth some deep trauma shit on that phone call, but she actually floated the idea of transplanting to Indiana to her business partner and best friend. What in the world had gotten into her?
Moving out of New York City had been on her radar for a while. She knew eventually she’d have to leave. For one, she simply couldn’t afford it, especially if Zac ever moved on. And now that it seemed he was definitely going to move on, she knew her time was coming. She couldn’t live with Stacey. They’d kill each other. And aside from her practice, nothing was really keeping her there.
It was a hard decision because she loved the big city. The hustle and bustle of the city that never sleeps. Of course, she’d been having more and more trouble sleeping, and she couldn’t be known as the Therapist Who Never Sleeps. She needed a change. A big one.
She also, according to Stacey, needed to speak to her mom. That idea, unlike moving her entire life to a small Midwest town, was causing her a lot of anxiety.
Recognizing that she didn’t think she was enough because she never had been enough was the outcome of a self-reflection exercise she didn’t think she needed to do. The hardest part of it all was that the one woman who should have loved her unconditionally, who should have loved herbecauseshe was different, not in spite of it, was the main culprit. Which meant communicating that to her. To her mom. Who would probably tell her she was being too emotional.
She was always too much. Too loud. Too annoying. Too gay.
But never enough at the same time.
How? How was that even possible?
No wonder she never wanted a relationship. No wonder she left the second she felt validated. No wonder she ran. And ran. And ran.
It wasn’t because she was incapable of loving someone. It was because she was incapable of loving herself.
The very same thing that Zac struggled with.
As though he could sense her thoughts, Zac appeared at the top of the steps to his room. “Hey there,” he said. “You doing okay?”
“Not really,” she said. “Just up here having an existential crisis.”
“Oh, cool, so no biggie?”
She laughed. “Yeah, no biggie at all.”
He came over and sat next to her. “Talk to me. Why didn’t you tell me things were so strained between you and your mom?”
“Same reason you didn’t tell me that things weren’t that strained, I guess.”
“Seems like a crappy answer, but I’ll allow it.” He nudged her playfully. “What’s going on?”
“I’ve been preaching at you this entire time about how being honest with the people who love you is the only way to be completely free.”
“Yep, you sure have.”
“And I’m up here, thinking about my mom, thinking about you, thinking about your mom…” She shook her head and corrected herself. “Heidi… And I can’t get past the fact that you and I? We are so similar. We both thought the same way. You thought you weren’t worthy of happiness; so did I. But I had my head buried so deep that I didn’t even realize I wasn’t happy. I kept telling myself I was fine. I was happy. And then all of this happened.” She slumped back into the futon again and sighed. “You did what you were supposed to. And now I need to be honest with my mom. The only difference is your mom accepted you with open arms. And my mom? She’s only ever accepted me at arm’s length. I’ve never been enough.”
“Iris—”
“No, Zac, please, don’t say anything. I know I’m enough. I know I am. It’s just that this is all hitting me at once. You’re witnessing one of my most significant mental breakdowns, my friend.”
“How nice of you to save this one for me.” He pulled her toward him and wrapped his arms around her. “I love you, Iris. You are going to get through this.”
“I hope so. I finally found someone I want to spend my life with. I don’t want to be a wreck the entire time. Like, how horrible would that be?”