Page 26 of Home for the Holidays

“Are you done?” Iris wanted to reach through the phone and smack her best friend. “Anyway, she was flirting back, which was lovely. Like, I thought, ‘Wow, I came to Indiana and now I’m gonna meet someone? Great!’”

Stacey shook her head. “You’re incorrigible.”

“It gets better.” Iris covered her face. “I fucked her in the bathroom.”

“Are you joking?”

“I am not.”

“Good lord, lady, you are ballsy.”

“Well, as it turns out, the beautiful, hot, older woman I fucked in her bakery’s bathroom? Yeah, she’s his fuckingmom.”

Stacey gasped. “Shut up!” she hissed.

“I will not.”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!”

“I am being serious, Stacey. As a heart attack.”

“What the hell?”

“I don’t know, my friend. I do not.Know.”

Stacey started laughing hysterically. “Wait, wait.” She waved her hand in front of her face as she tried to catch her breath. “Are you gonna set out MILF and cookies for Santa?”

Iris stared at the phone. “Fuck you.”

“Or have your cake and eat your MILF too?”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Wait, wait, I have one more.”

“Stop.”

“Okay. I just wanted to know if you were going to ask Santa if she could be your MILFmaid.”

Iris paused, turning that over in her head. “That one was weak.”

Stacey gave in. “Yeah, yeah, not my best work. I’ll come up with more. Trust me.”

“I hate you. I literally hate you.”

“Who do you hate?” Zac’s voice sounded as he came flying up the stairs. He saw her on the phone and shook his head. “I need you. Right now.”

“Oh, shit, I gotta go. Sorry, Stacey.”

“Tell her I said hi,” Zac said just as Iris was disconnecting the call. “I’m sorry,” he said as she looked up. “This can’t wait.”

Iris patted the spot next to her on the futon. “Sit down, take a deep breath, lean your head back, and stare longingly into Jason Bateman’s eyes.” She could tell when he didn’t laugh that he was on the verge of a breakdown. Had Heidi told him? Oh fuck. “What happened?”

He plopped down next to her with a heavy huff. “I can’t trust my fucking mom, that’s what.”

“Okay, honey, start at the beginning.”

“You don’t have to call me honey right now, Iris.” He groaned as he leaned his head back with a thud.

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