Page 47 of These Rough Waters

What if I could let it go just like he asked.

Twenty-Two

“Do you mind?” I say to Ruthie, chewing my lip and slightly buzzed from the amount of caffeine I’ve consumed. I barely slept the night before, too wired from the thoughts in my head and today I needed space. I needed to be alone.

But I couldn’t be in the cabin, not when he could show up at any time.

He didn’t come last night like he said but it was late, and I knew that was the only reason why. Torin is a man of his word, so I had no doubt he’d be seeking me out today and I just wasn’t ready to address anything yet.

“Of course not sweetness!” Ruthie ushers Harper through the door, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just have a few things to do.”

“You look like a woman on a mission, you sure?”

“Yeah,” I nod, lying, “just need a breather, you know?”

“Yeah, sweetness, I know.” She smiles sympathetically, “Take a few hours. We will see you later.”

My breathing is heavy as I climb the side of the cliff, weaving between the ancient pines and avoiding the fallen branches and trees. The wind is brisk, much harder than it was when I set off almost two hours ago, but the sky was clear and the waters calm when I’d started the hike, and while the sky has now turned to a murky grey I was almost –almost– certain I’d make it back down before the storm hit. Though if I had known the weather would turn so quickly, I might have rethought hiking.

But I needed the clean air and tranquil silence. With my head a jumbled mess of everything and nothing at all, I had to get out. Away from the town and away from the proximity of Torin. I hadn’t told anyone I was going on a hike, from what I gather from the townsfolk, is that this time of year wasn’t the best time to climb these hills unless you were certain the weather would be good, and the higher I get, the air turning freezing, I’m starting to realize why. I could feel the wind pushing on me, that’s how strong it was, slamming and bending the trees around me until they creak and groan. But there was no rain so I’ll turn back soon, it will be okay.

Tucking the thermal coat tighter and flexing my fingers within the gloves I walk on, using low hanging branches to pull myself up the steeper parts.

I would never have dreamed to bring Harper; I suppose a part of me knew it was dangerous to do at this time of year, but I had to admit the small glimpses I’ve seen through the trees of the gorgeous bay and town was enough to push the warning bells away.

It was breathtaking. The steep craggy cliff edges meet the tranquil blue of the ocean in a striking contrast, and where the land kisses the sea, the waves crash on the rocks as if at war.

I had always thought I was a city girl but this, this town and the stunning scenery, makes me realize I never loved the city at all.

The wind whips at my hair the higher I get, and I come to a fork in the trail. I’d picked up a map from the store, so I pull it out, glancing down at the color-coded lines. I was trying to get to the peak and if the map was accurate, I was another two hours from that.

I glance toward the sky again, calculating the odds that I’ll get stuck in a storm. They don’t look as angry as they usually do when this town is hit by the weather, but something is tugging at me to turn back.

I’ve been so reserved since I’ve been here, careful, calculated, maybe I want to be a little reckless for a change.

And why shouldn’t I? I’ve never been able to before, I’ve never had freedom to do this before, so I choose to push on, careful where I put my booted feet so I don’t trip on the sharp rocks that jut out from the ground.

There was an ache in my cheeks and lips from the cold wind and my lungs were burning with the exertion it was taking to climb this cliff, but I felt alive.

I felt free! And I wanted to scream that from the peak of this cliff until my throat was raw and the sound was swallowed by the ocean.

I ignore the freezing air biting at my skin, ignore the furious pump of my heart and the urge to turn back.

I needed more.

My mind was whirling with everything, from Torin, to where I came from, my past and what could be a future.

Running was the best decision I ever made, and I told myself I wouldn’t let anyone close, wouldn’t get attached to another man and yet Torin was somehow, someway crawling under my skin. He was loud when I wanted quiet, a storm on a sunny day and I was taking notice.

Why shouldn’t I explore whatever the hell it is between us? Why couldn’t I let the man have me?

“Who would ever want you, hm?”the voice from my past rings inside my head like a warning siren,“a damaged, used little whore. I’m the only one who can love you. You know that. If you leave, Maya, you’ll be alone. Forever.”His hand had gripped me then, fingers digging into the soft, sensitive skin on the inside of my upper arm as he yanked me forward and pushed himself until he was an inch away from my face,“You want to leave me, Maya then you should know I will hunt you fucking down and I will kill you, do you understand?”

I swallow down the bile that rises with the memory, I could almost feel how hard he held me that day, could feel the bruises he left on my skin, and he didn’t stop there. It happened when I tried to leave for the first time. I’d put up with him for so long at that point I’d had enough and knew the only way me and him ended, was if I left or he killed me. But I was too afraid to go through with it after that.

And I took the beating, listened to his abuse for hours and hours and wore the marks on my body as a reminder that I was stuck with him. I always told myself there would be another opportunity to get out, that I just had to time it right, but those chances never came. Not until now.

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