Page 228 of Bad Pucking Influence

When I think of the future, there's only one thing that matters. I just want him in it.

“You know, he’d probably be on board with watching,” Luca hints.

“He probably would.” I sigh heavily, hating the way that image makes my stomach sink.

“But you aren’t.” Luca must hear the reluctance in my voice.

“Not really, no.” I’m fully conscious that wanting Tripp for myself threatens everything. He might be a willing participant, and I know on some level I’m important to him, but if he came to the realization that this is more than sex to me I’m afraid he'd pack up and leave.

“So, this is serious with you two?”

I rub a hand over my face, as if that will stave off the tension building in my head. “I don’t know. It wasn’t supposed to be, then this injury happened and… Things feel different now. I haven’t acknowledged that out loud. All I know is whatever this is, I don’t want it to end.”

“You’re going to leave me hanging over something you aren’t even sure is serious?”

“You’re going to give me shit over being confused after I suffered through years of your unconventional pre-game ritual?” I fire back.

“Suffered?” Luca sounds genuinely shocked. “I thought it didn’t bother you?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, sorry.” I apologize. “It didn’t bother me.”

“About that,” he pauses a few seconds before speaking again. “Were you gay this whole time? I don’t care if you were, I just thought that wasn’t your thing.”

“I didn’t think it was either. And I wouldn’t say I’m gay since I’m not attracted to all men. Just Tripp.”

“Pfft. I’m way hotter than Tripp,” he mutters.

“You sound like you want me to be attracted to you.”

“I don’t,” he rushes to clarify. “Having you watch was never about that, it’s a superstition I haven’t been able to shake in…forever. Still, it kinda bruises my ego, anyway. I know that doesn’t make any sense. Maybe I’m just freaking out over what to do...”

I don’t know the origin of his superstition, but I get why he clings to it so fiercely. It makes sense that changing things up would rattle him, especially when that change comes with a healthy dose of ‘I didn’t see that coming’ like the one I just sprung on him about being gay for only Tripp, if that’s what I am.

“What if you video chatted someone else? Whoever you have that arrangement with here?” I don’t have all the salacious details about how Luca’s superstition works, but if he has an arrangement here then there are other options.

“I guess I could try that.” He exhales heavily. “So, what are you gonna do about Tripp? Think you’ll tell him you’re into him?”

“I thought I might ask him on a date.”

Luca coughs and sputters on the other end of the line. “Doesn’t that step usually come after you decide you want to date?”

“Hell if I know. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I went on one. But my neighbors are having this charity fundraiser thing and since they invite everyone in the area, I’m sure Niko and Xander will be going, so it’d be more of a group thing.”

“A charity fundraiser? That’s your idea of a date?”

“I guess I doesn't have to be called that. We have to dress up for it, so maybe? I just don’t want to go alone or be the third wheel to Niko and Xander, so I thought it might be okay to ask him and see where it goes.”

“I’d probably have the ‘are we fucking or fucking’ conversation first, but yeah. Ask him out.”

***

After a grueling PT session where I managed to hit about eighty percent of my mobility, I hit the shower to clean up, paying particular attention to that spot. Just in case.

It’s probably silly, but there’s a part of me that feels like I won’t ever find out where this thing with Tripp can go if I don’t let him in. Physically. I’ve been getting more and more curious about it, and now that we’ve been sleeping together for nearly a month, it feels like the right time. That and I might have an ulterior motive.

Though Tripp is well-spoken when he wants to be, at his core he’s a physical, sexual guy. I think he’s more comfortable with actions than words, and taking the role of bottom is one way for me to acknowledge I’ve developed feelings for him without putting him on the spot by saying the words. Sort of like that kiss.

I didn’t plan that, I just acted, and he didn’t stop me. He’s even initiated it a few times since then. Only during sex, but considering that was a line between us that’s no longer there… It seems to me the best way to approach new dynamics with Tripp is to just act. So, tonight, I’ll tell him I’m game for more than just a sexual relationship by offering to bottom. If he accepts, I’ll know we’re getting closer to the point where I can say the words without driving him into a panic.

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