Page 69 of Thoroughly Innocent Intent

“Do you regret that? Not trying to balance the game with your family?” That type of question is usually asked with a disapproving tone, but there’s no judgement in Sam’s voice. Just curiosity.

“Yes and no. I don’t think my career would look the way it does if I’d done things differently, and I’m proud of that. Until recently, I didn’t understand the toll it was putting on my relationship with Sawyer. I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for Jen finding her fiancé. That sort of forced us all to look at our relationship with each other and make some changes.” That admission doesn’t put me in the best light, but I don’t feel right sugar coating my parenting mistakes.

It's on the tip of my tongue to take the conversation further, because Sam deserves to know that I screw up more often than not. Yet the words get stuck. I don’t want her to think about the kind of dad I’d be, to choose motherhood with someone else over a future with me. I shouldn’t take that right away from her, but I can’t willingly give her up, either. I’m scared of losing her.

It’s not fair to put off the conversation about kids and feelings, but I can’t help thinking that if we do, I’ll buy myself some time to get her to need me as much as I need her. Once that happens, I just have to hope everything else will work itself out.

I guide Sam’s head back to my chest, so I’m not tempted to tell her all the things running through my mind. And holding her close makes it easier to think I’m keeping quiet for us instead of just me.

Samantha

“Samantha,I’msogladyou could make it.” Elliot opens the massive wood door and yanks me away from Colt’s side to give me a hug.

I must shoot him a confused look as I step into the spacious foyer because he grins knowingly and says, “It’s Dante and Meghan’s house. They’re probably just busy cooking or herding kids.”

“Always.” Elliot mouths in agreement.

“They have a lot of kids?” My heels click on the marble floor as I follow Elliot into the house.

“Four,” she confirms, just as one of them races up to us and stops us in our tracks.

“Who are you?” He tilts his head to the side curiously.

“Samantha,” I say automatically, wondering only afterward if he’s allowed to call adults by their first name.

“Are you a friend of Ellie’s?” I blink a few times, not sure how to answer.

“Jonah won’t call me Elliot because he thinks it’s a boy’s name.” Elliot rubs his head affectionately.

“It is.” He crosses his arms and puts on a little frown. “There’s an Elliot in my class and he’s a boy.

“My friends call me Sam.” I shrug.

“What?” He throws his little arms in the air. “That’s a boy’s name, too. Girls can’t have boys’ names.”

“Pretty sure there’s no rule against it kiddo.” Elliot smiles.

“There should be, otherwise Mom might ask someone to play with me, thinking it’s a boy when it’s really a girl. That ain’t right. When I have kids, I’m naming the girls like girls and the boys like boys. So, are you friends with Ellie?” he asks me.

“She’s friends with me.” Colt grins and slings an arm around my shoulder.

“You?” His little eyes go wide. “You never bring friends over.”

“That’s cause all my favorite friends were already here, so I didn’t need to invite anyone. Sam’s one of my favorites now, too, so I wanted her to come.”

“But she’s a girl.” He covers his mouth like he’s whispering, though we can all hear him. “Did you think she was supposed to be a boy because she has a boy’s name?”

“Nope, I always knew she was a girl.” Colt smirks. Then he mimics Jonah and puts his hand in front of his mouth to say, “I like girls.”

I know he’s having fun with Jonah, but he winks at me as he says it, and it’s so adorable I can’t help smiling like a loon.

“You’re crazy.” Jonah shakes his head. “I am never gonna like girls.”

“What about your mom? She’s a girl.” Colt arches an eyebrow.

“She’s not a girl, she's a mom.” Jonah rolls his eyes.

“What about Elliot?” I join in the fun.

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