Page 8 of If Only You Knew

My mind has been elsewhere all day. When I walked away from Becca, I almost turned around and ran back toward her. Now that I have reconnected with her, even in this brief capacity, I feel like being even a few feet away from her is too much. But where do we go from here?

I could see anger floating through her features when she was around me this morning. I honestly thought she would not hold such feelings after this long. We were just kids. She has to understand that. Yes, we had made promises to one another, but look at where she is today. She achieved her biggest dream.

Knowing she succeeded in becoming a doctor made me smile, even hours after our interaction this morning. She really was brilliant, even at a young age. She was great at reading people, and I knew she’d make an impressive physician one day. Knowing she made it that far brings me more joy than bitterness that our relationship didn’t last past that night of graduation in June. I know it was the right decision to let her live her life.

Somehow, I pull my head out of my ass, allowing Janine and me to wrap up our meeting, and I turn off my computer and begin packing things up. I make my way through the city, walking by everyone as they are making their way back home. I run into a few influencers posing in the most ridiculous fashion, no more than twenty years old and making more at that age than I ever thought imaginable when I was that young.

Who knew the world of disposable cameras and car phones would evolve into this? I never knew the world would hold so much change in a matter of a few decades, but here we are.

I need to let out some frustration, so I go to a local gym I frequent when in the city and run on the treadmill. That doesn’t bring me the comfort I’m seeking, so lifting weights is my next resort.

Soon enough, I realize I can’t shake seeing Becca. The fact that the ball is in her court makes me nervous. What if she wants nothing to do with me? What if she can’t leave the past behind us and try again? I didn’t notice a ring on her finger, but I can almost say for certain, those kids getting in the car this morning are hers. I just hope the man with them isn’t her current husband.

After my failed attempt to let off some steam, I make my way to Noah’s apartment. Noah and I were in the Navy together, and we’ve stayed connected since we parted ways. Noah and his wife, Marie, live in the city, and they are kind enough to let me stay in their apartment when I’m in town. I used to stay in a nearby hotel, but I spent most of my time with them when I wasn’t in the office throughout the years, so it made sense that I simply board with them instead.

They have two little girls, Marjorie and Mackenzie, who are the sweetest things and my favorite girls when I visit town. They are eleven and eight and keep both Noah and Marie extremely busy with school and their dance competitions. Noah was the only one home as Marie had taken the girls upstate to compete in a ballet recital.

When I walk through the door, Noah is already in the kitchen cooking something up. It smells amazing and my stomach growls in protest because in my stupor after seeing Becs, I failed to eat a proper meal and simply drank coffee between my meetings. Noah notices me as I begin to deposit my laptop and keys on the side table and walk into the kitchen.

“Well hello, dear. So wonderful to have you home,” Noah says as I walk past him.

I chuckle and wash my hands at the sink. Noah is playing nineties hip-hop, and I find comfort in the music Becs used to blare from my car radio when we drove around our small town as teens.

My face must say it all because Noah turns down the music and immediately asks, “What happened to you today?”

Before answering, I have to think back to all the times I spoke about Becs to Noah. He and I went through a lot during our training, and we spent many nights talking about life back home and what we left behind. I never had anything to share except where I had left my heart when I joined the Navy.

I think Noah imagined I would get back with Becs when I got home, but life had other plans, and I never really brought her up that often as the years passed on.

I go to the fridge and grab a beer, twisting the top and looking at my dear friend. “I saw Becs today.”

Noah is stirring his tomato sauce, but the moment I say her name, he pauses then drops the spoon and looks right at me. After a few beats, he adds, “And? You can’t say something like that and not follow it with more!”

I take the next thirty minutes recounting my morning to him, and he just stands there, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed across his chest. When I’m finished retelling my morning, I take a swig of my beer, but Noah remains silent.

My friend is a thinker. He doesn’t usually say anything without processing it first. It’s probably what makes him a great therapist. Yeah, I forgot to mention that Noah is a psychiatrist and has a thriving practice a few buildings down the way. He loves his job, and it shows in the way his clients stay with him and will even continue their sessions virtually if they happen to move away.

Noah scratches his chin and finally speaks. “Why didn’t you get her number? After all this time, I thought you’d be more persistent. I mean, you haven’t ever gotten close to another woman since Rebecca.”

It takes me a few moments to respond because I have thought the same thing all day, but I keep coming back to one thing. “Years ago, I knew she would be my girlfriend. It was like I could feel it deep down in my bones. I just knew. But it didn’t matter how much I pursued her, she wouldn’t budge. But if Becs is anything like she used to be years ago, she likes to feel like she made the decision.

“Cockiness isn’t a trait she finds endearing in a man. So I left my number in her lunch bag. It’s similar to the way I started our encounter nearly thirty years ago. It felt right to do the same now. Because if I know Becs at all, it’s that she needs to think this over, to the point where she will go through every possible scenario in her head, and then she’ll take the leap. She needs to feel in control of this situation, and pushing her will get me nowhere.”

“So what now?” Noah looks over at me.

I have spent most of the day rearranging my entire life for the next few weeks in order to answer that very question myself.

“I wait because it served me well when we were fourteen, and I have this feeling it will be the right decision this time around as well. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ll be in the city for an extended period of time. I can always grab a hotel room if you and Marie can’t deal with another mouth to feed.”

“Well, you are one sure motherfucker. I don’t think if I had the same history with Marie, I would be able to resist being anywhere but by her side. She held my heart the moment I laid my eyes on her. I just can’t imagine having such self-restraint as you did this morning. I probably would have hopped in the car and told her she had a new personal assistant and tagged along the rest of the day.”

He turns back to his tomato sauce and begins stirring again, this time the consistency more of a paste than a sauce. I don’t know if it’s salvageable, but I don’t say a word. I have no clue how to cook as well as Noah.

“And of course, you can stay here. Marie, the kids, and I all love having you around. Plus, you bring the house some balance. I have too much estrogen floating around the halls here. I need someone on my side. Jinx just flops on his back and meows for attention. He’s no help when I’m outnumbered in a fight.”

Noah continues to ramble and cook and I sit, once again lost in my own thoughts. Those radiant aqua eyes keep staring back at me when I close my eyes. There’s something about Becs and I that feels like it’s forever, even though we haven’t been around each other for the entirety of our adult lives. But walking away was the right thing.

Just like in that tree farm, Becs needs to decide what’s next. Twenty-five years ago, I left her because I thought that was the right thing to do. But this time, I’m not going anywhere.

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