Page 59 of All We Could Still Have

“Can we try?”

“What about the baby?” Months ago, he had asked me to choose between him and a baby. Would I ask the same of him?

The yellow jacket circled my head. Kyle stood and shooed it away. “We can raise him or her together.”

“You’re asking me to raise a baby you had with another woman.”

He inched close to me, but I stepped backward to create space between us. “I know we would have never planned it this way, but we’ve wanted a baby for so long.”

I heard Oliver scampering across the kitchen floor. His head popped up in the door, and a second later Dana stood behind him, holding his leash. “Everything okay?” she asked.

Kyle brushed by me on his way inside. “I need to get more clothes. We’ll finish this conversation another time.”

After he left, Dana, Oliver, and I sat out on the deck. “What are you going to do?” she asked.

I stared off at Mount Stapleton as if it might have an answer. “I have no idea.” I bent down to pat Oliver.

Dana watched for a few minutes, a pained expression on her face. “This probably isn’t the best time to bring this up,” she said. “But I’m leaving next week, and I’m taking Deeogee with me.”

Chapter 35

As I carried the mail up my driveway, Dana pulled in, her entire life packed into her rusted-out Toyota Corolla. Duffel bags, cardboard boxes, coolers, and grocery bags crammed into the back seat obstructed the view out the rear window.

“You can’t make a four-hour drive without being able to see out the back,” I said. Sweat dripped down my neck as the hot sun beat down on me.

“Don’t start, Nikki.” She remained behind the steering wheel, pressing buttons on her phone.

I leaned into the driver’s window. “Where’s Oliver going to sit?”

Dana pointed to the empty passenger seat. Cases of water, twelve-packs of seltzer, and handles of rum and vodka cluttered the floor space below it.

I straightened. “He likes to lie down in the back seat.”

“He’ll be fine.” She swung her legs out the door and stood. We faced each other without speaking. She looked healthy and fit in a purple sleeveless shirt and tan shorts that showcased her lean, muscular limbs. I envied her getting away from this town for the summer. Except for Aunt Izzie and me, Dana had no ties here. She didn’t have to come back if she didn’t want to. I thought about running into the house, packing my stuff, and following her. I pictured myself driving over the Bourne Bridge, living in a cottage on the beach, far away from all thegossip about me, Kyle, and Casey. A feeling of tranquility came over me that I hadn’t felt since Kyle confessed his transgression.

I looked down at the stack of mail in my hand, the top envelope a bill from the IVF clinic. My mountain of debt and job at the magazine that helped chip away at it kept me rooted to Stapleton. Kyle and I would need years, decades even, to pay off all we owed. I couldn’t go anywhere.

“Where’s Deeogee? Is he ready?” Dana asked.

No, he’s not ready. I’m not ready,I wanted to scream at her. “Are you sure you want to take him? Why not wait until fall, when you come back to Stapleton?”

“Come and visit. Anytime.” She strolled up the walkway and into my house while I stayed planted to the pavement next to her car with the hot sun scorching the top of my head. I tried to take a calming breath, but the humidity made the air heavy, almost impossible to breathe.

The front screen squeaked open. An unleashed Oliver scampered down the walkway. Dana followed behind, carrying the box I had packed for him.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat.

Dana pulled open the passenger door. Usually, Oliver leaped right into my car, but he plopped down next to me, his tongue hanging from his mouth. “Come here, boy,” Dana urged.

Oliver nudged my hand, but I didn’t have the energy to move my arm to pet him.

“Come on, Deeogee. Get in the car,” Dana said. The dog nudged me harder. Dana elbowed me. “Tell him to get in.”

I sank to my knees, kneeling so that I could hug him. “Goodbye, buddy.” He was still damp from the bath I had given him, and he smelled like the oatmeal shampoo I had used to wash him. He curled his leg around my shin as if he were trying to hug me back.

Dana scooped him up and deposited him in the passenger seat. Oliver whimpered as she slammed the door. He jumped up so that his front legs rested against the window. His nose twitched.

“I love you, little guy.” My voice cracked.

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