Page 68 of All We Could Still Have

“I think you’d be a great mom,” Casey said.

I turned to look at her again. “Why would you say that? You don’t even know me.”

She swung her legs back and forth. “I can just tell, and you know, you did so much because you wanted to be a mom.”

Did so much.Withdrew from my retirement fund and lied about it. Had Kyle told her that? The late-July sun beat down on me, and I was sure that somehow it had scorched my heart.

“A baby has never been in my plans,” she said. “All I want to do is sing.”

I closed my eyes, picturing crispy, burnt pieces of my heart breaking off.

“I was on the pill but was taking antibiotics because I was recovering from strep.”

I swallowed hard, thinking about how hard it was to get pregnant. When we were deciding whether to try IVF, our doctor at the time had reminded me that I was fast approaching forty, as if I didn’t know. “Well, by age forty, women have only a five percent chance of getting pregnant each month,” she’d said. When we met Dr.Evans and she explained all that had to go right for IVF to work and a woman to getpregnant, Kyle had joked, “It’s a wonder humans don’t become extinct with those odds.” Casey had made getting pregnant even less likely by taking precautions against it. God loved to play practical jokes.

“I’m sure Kyle told you. I don’t want this baby, but I could never, you know, get rid of it, have an abortion.” As her leg swung out in front of her, her flip-flop flew off and soared through the air. “I believe women have a right to choose; don’t get me wrong. It’s just not my choice.”

I couldn’t listen to another word of this. “I should have never come here.” I stood, retrieved her shoe, and stepped toward the dirt path leading back to the parking lot.

“No, please. Just let me finish.” Casey jumped to her feet. Her momentum caused her to stumble forward. I caught her before she fell and could feel her trembling. “I know you would never have planned it this way, but this ...” She pointed to her belly. “This can be the baby you wanted. I’ll sign away all my rights.” She spoke faster than she had been, and her voice was two octaves higher than usual. “I’ve already talked to a lawyer, a friend of Elizabeth’s.”

Sweat dripped down my back. I felt dizzy. My legs wobbled.

“You don’t look good,” Casey said.

I had to sit before I lost my balance. I teetered back to the bench. Casey eased herself down next to me. She reached into her bag and handed me a bottle of water.

I gulped it down without looking at her. “You can’t sign away your rights, Casey. You’ll regret it.”

She shook her head. “I don’t even like kids.”

“What are you talking about? You’re a nanny, and from what Elizabeth says, you’re great with Danvers and Hallie.”

“I’m a nanny because taking care of Elizabeth’s kids pays a lot more than my last job as a barista. If anything, the last few months have convinced me that I definitely don’t want children. I mean, I can’t even go to the bathroom in peace. They won’t leave me alone long enoughto send a text. It’s overwhelming. All I want to do is get out of this hick town and sing in Nashville.”

I stared at Casey, wondering what type of vetting Elizabeth had done before hiring her.

“Kyle’s going to be a great dad,” she said. “But I’d feel better knowing this baby has two parents. She’s going to need a mother.”

She.“You’re having a girl?”

“Kyle didn’t tell you?”

“We don’t exactly talk about the baby. We don’t really talk much these days.”

Casey’s cheeks flamed red. “She’s due November eighteenth.” She placed her hand on my arm. “Can’t you just think of me as a surrogate?”

My mouth gaped. “No. What you and Kyle did ...” I shook my head. “That’s not how surrogacy works.”

Casey cleared her throat. We sat without speaking. Music from an ice cream truck drifted toward us from the parking lot. A group of boys, around twelve years old, ran past us toward the sound. “I want an Italian ice,” one of them screamed.

An image of me standing in front of the truck with a little girl came to mind. She had Casey’s copper hair and Kyle’s blue-gray eyes. I could feel the weight of her hand in mine as we waited in line for our turn. Somehow I knew she’d order a grape Popsicle. I could even see purple streaks running down her chin.

I stood. “I should go.”

Casey reached for my arm. “I really didn’t know he was married.” Her green eyes watered, and I couldn’t tell if the bright sun bothered them or if she was fighting off tears. “My dad left when I was fourteen. Married the skimpy-dressing neighbor across the hall. Destroyed my mother. I never wanted to do that to someone.”

I pushed my shoulders back. “Kyle’s cheating hasn’t destroyed me. I’m fine.”

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