Page 4 of All We Could Still Have

Relieved that it was not the magnet or the appointment reminder that captured her attention, I laughed. “Honestly, he thinks he’s playing in the NHL.”

“It’s great that he still has something he’s so passionate about,” Dana said.

Her words stung as much as if she’d slapped my face, because what crossed my mind was that I wished he were still that passionate about me. We hadn’t had sex in the past three months.

Dana turned her attention to a cabinet above the refrigerator, where Kyle kept his fattening snacks. I asked him to put them there so I couldn’t reach them, but my sister had no trouble pulling down the potato chips. At five foot eight, she stood a good four inches taller than me. My parents had both towered over me too.

I busied myself collecting the ingredients for our dinner. Dana returned to the refrigerator. Again, she paused before opening it. I focused on buttering the bread like it was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Why had Kyle put Dr.Evans’s card and the magnet on display in our kitchen? We were so careful about keeping all the other evidence, the medicine and needles, upstairs, where guests wouldn’t be able to stumble across them. We even had a mini refrigerator in our bedroom.

Dana finally opened the refrigerator door and pulled out a jug of iced tea. She turned to look at me. I prepared myself for a question about the magnet and appointment reminder. She had to have seen them. I would tell her the truth.

“Deeogee, like d-o-g, get it?” Dana said.

“What?”

“The dog’s name.”

Sitting at the table, she ripped open the bag of chips and popped one in her mouth. She chomped down on it, crunching loudly. I hated chewing sounds, and I could tell by her smirk that she was trying to push my buttons again. I wasn’t about to let her win this time. “Deeogee is weird.”

“Weird as in interesting?” She shoved another chip in her mouth.

“It’s such an old, awful joke.”

She smacked her lips together as she chewed. I couldn’t stand it another second. I snatched the bag from her.

“You’re so easy.” She laughed.

“And you’re such a child.” In the five years since our parents’ death, she seemed to have reverted from age twenty-six to twelve.

I plated the sandwiches and carried them to the table. We ate in silence for a moment or two. Dana faced the refrigerator and keptstealing glances at it. There might as well have been a neon sign advertising that we were trying to have a baby. I waited for her to blurt out a question. She smiled. “Are you coming to dinner with me and Aunt Izzie tomorrow?”

“Where are you going?”

Dana bit down on her lower lip. “Pendleton 88.”

At the mention of that restaurant, the grilled cheese, which a moment ago had tasted delicious, felt soggy in my mouth. “Not a chance.”

“Nikki, it’s absolutely crazy that you’ve held this vendetta for so long. You need to get over it. It’s not healthy. Uncle Hank didn’t do anything wrong.”

“He lied.”

“He took over a failing restaurant, saving us from a mountain of debt, and made it more successful than it ever was when Mom and Dad owned it.”

“He said he would preserve their legacy.”

My hand dropped to my abdomen, and I took a deep breath to calm down. I couldn’t allow myself to get worked up about Hank. Stress could ruin my chance of getting pregnant. “You and Aunt Izzie go. Have a good time.”

“I’m definitely going. Never turn down a free dinner: Dana DeMarco rule number one.” She stuffed the last bite of her grilled cheese into her mouth. I wondered when the last time she’d had a good meal was. She had definitely lost weight since I’d seen her last. Her cheekbones were more pronounced, and her jeans were baggy.

“Do you want another sandwich?”

“Only if you don’t mind making it.”

I finished mine and rose to make her another. Neither of us said a word as I cooked, but I could feel her eyes on my back the entire time I stood at the stove.

“You reminded me so much of Mom right then,” she said when I handed her the plate. “The way you were hunched over the pan with one hand resting on the counter.”

My eyes got watery. I blinked to clear them before Dana noticed. All I wanted was to be as good of a mother as our mother had been. “I ...” I intended to tell her about IVF. I tried to say the words, but my stomach clenched, and I thought better of telling her. “I’ll swing by Aunt Izzie’s later in the week and spend some time with her.” Dana didn’t need to know all Kyle and I had struggled through. In a few days, I would tell her the happy news that I was pregnant.

---