Page 41 of Five Gold Rings

‘Unfortunately, I am the designated driver for the evening so no, but you crack on. I’m sure Eve…’

I look over at Eve, who is already partaking in the shots and holds one aloft before downing it and beaming at me. She pats the banquette space next to her, the way someone would beckon a puppy over and I gravitate towards her. As soon as I sit down, she puts a head on my shoulder. Breathe, Joe.

‘Fuck. I’m pissed,’ she mumbles.

‘What’s in the shots?’ I ask.

‘I am guessing cranberry and some very potent vodka. Look at this place, it’s so festive, isn’t it?’ she says, cradling one of the crackers on the table. ‘Oooh. I’ve got a joke. You love jokes. Why do reindeer like Beyoncé so much?’ she asks excitedly.

‘I have no idea.’

‘Because SHE SLEIGHS!’ she spurts out in exaggerated tones, her nostrils flared with glee, and I bite my lip to stop myself from laughing. She’s so merry. I count the shot glasses in front of me. That would be three, on top of the champagne she’s had today, and our day isn’t over. Maybe I need to tell her to eat more roast potatoes to soak it all up. These are good roast potatoes, too. You know these aren’t out of a packet. Don’t mention the kiss. Treat it like it never happened.

‘You guys…’ Mike says, throwing his arm around Eve’s shoulder. His wife joins in the group cuddle, and I watch a lady on the table opposite stare at us for possibly ruining her swanky festive dinner in a nice hotel.

‘Have we said thank you yet?’ Abby tells us. ‘I swear you guys were sent down from the Christmas spirits to look after us today.’

‘I love you both,’ Eve tells them, hugging them tightly.

‘We love you, too. I really think we were brought together for a reason. We should be mates, like new besties. We should all go out together. In the summer, we can go to Ibiza!’ Mike suggests.

Eve is drunk so claps her hands excitedly. I’m not sure how to say I don’t want to go on holiday with people I’ve just met but smile and nod, amused by the joyful celebration around the table. There is still a lot to do today. People from the hotel keep filtering in to talk to Mike and Abby about the ballroom, the band who showed up and have no one to play to, the man with the birds who needs paying but they are too far gone, too excited. And from the way they are especially handsy with each other in full view of all of us, I suspect they want to also get into one of the suites upstairs to celebrate their wedding night in the traditional way.

‘Well, as much as it pains me to do this, Eve and I have to make a move. We have another ring to deliver,’ I say, looking at my watch.

Mike and Abby protest loudly to the shock of all the other paying customers, except Santa who I think has passed out on the seats next to us.

‘I want to stay.’ Eve pouts at me. ‘You are the best man. This is a poor show from you.’

I look at Eve’s eyes looking in about four different directions and think about how much alcohol she consumed yesterday. I am doing this for her health more than anything else.

‘We can celebrate with them again another time,’ I say, soberly.

‘But you haven’t even given a speech,’ Abby remarks. They all look over at me, leaning into each other in drunkenness, almost like dominoes waiting to topple. If that gives this reception the conclusion it needs, then so be it. I stand and clink a glass with a teaspoon quietly.

‘QUIET, EVERYONE! THE BEST MAN IS SPEAKING!’ Abby shrieks. Loud enough for the rest of the restaurant to stop what they’re doing. An audience. Great. The lady on the table opposite puts her fork down over her gravadlax, glaring at me.

‘When Mike asked me to be his best man, I thought… hell, why not? I’ve known him and his lovely wife for forty-five minutes. How could I refuse?’

The diners look confused but everyone at this table laughs louder than that joke really deserves.

‘But you can be around someone for forty-five minutes and you can get an idea of what they might be like. When we were trying to get the trellis arch in the service lift, Mike was practical and didn’t take the mick when I got my end wedged in and fell on my arse.’

‘No, I was busy taking pictures instead, mate,’ he jokes.

‘And as a couple, I see how well you know each other, how you genuinely care about each other and other people. I’ve seen the generosity in how you’ve offered all this leftover drink and food to staff and nearby homeless shelters. I see joy. Real joy in how much you love each other, how excited you are to be in each other’s company, how both of you were smiling like loons through that whole ceremony.’

The tears are back now as Mike holds Abby tight, kissing her messily on the forehead.

‘I like that I’ve only spent a fleeting moment with you, and I know this. I know with some certainty that this is what love looks like.’

Eve looks at me for a moment when I say this and I swear, the room stops moving. This is what love could look like. If, only if, you felt the same way about me.

‘You soppy bastard… Come here!’ Mike shouts, leaning over, grabbing my cheeks and giving me a massive kiss on the lips. If that woman across the way wasn’t fond of us before, I’m not sure how she feels now she’s seen the groom drool down the best man’s chin.

‘So,’ I say, grabbing my glass of sparkling water. ‘A toast to the bloody beautiful Mr and Mrs Piper…’

Abby squeals with delight. ‘I’M A WIFE!’ she tells the restaurant, not that they couldn’t tell from the giant white dress (we had to put her in her own corner), but I laugh. Speech done. People clap, still confused.

---