Page 98 of Sex Ed

‘But first, exams,’ I say, mainly focusing my attention on the kid at the back with a Biology revision guide out, filled with Post-it notes, looking like they may vomit. ‘Any questions before you go in?’

‘Reproduction, Sir,’ Jerome says.

‘Plant or animal?’

‘Animal. So, you’re telling us the wee isn’t stored in the balls then?’ he jokes, pointing at me, grinning.

I am silent for a moment. Until Jerome starts laughing, along with some of the boys on his table. The class join in. I think this is a joke, not at my expense per se, but a class joke. I want to laugh, but seriously, if anyone puts that down as an answer then I’m leaving this profession. ‘You’re funny, Jerome. What is stored in the testes?’

‘Hormones and jizz, innit?’

‘Thereabouts.’ I smile. ‘Any other questions?’

‘Mr Rogers, do you have a moment?’ The voice comes from the corridor and I turn to see it’s Tommy from the P.E. department. Shit. I don’t know what the protocol is here. In some show of macho masculinity, I think this is where we should wrestle, no? I should charge at him, but I also need to set an example in front of these kids, headed into their exams. Can I missile something at him? A muffin? A conical flask? Orange juice?

‘Is it important?’ I ask him in dry tones.

‘Yeah, it is.’

I look over at the kids who are all viewing this exchange, eyes fixed on the both of us, nibbling on their bacon. ‘I’ll be outside if anyone needs me,’ I tell them even though they’re mostly sixteen and don’t need my help. ‘Please be sensible with the ketchup.’

I get up and head out, watching Tommy from behind, my shoulders dropping to have his physical being flaunted in front of me like this. It’s all Nike Tech fleece, and shapely calves and thighs. I really hope you’ve not dragged me out of my classroom to laugh at me. He turns to face me in the corridor.

‘Look, I thought it was important we had a chat after yesterday,’ he tells me, putting his hands out like he’s explaining some sort of sports move to me.

‘Yesterday, what happened yesterday?’ I ask him plainly.

‘Yeah. That’s funny.’

‘Well, please do clarify what it was.’

‘We’ve only hooked up a couple of times. It’s not serious. I didn’t know you two were a thing as well.’

‘Well, we’re not now…’

‘You dumped her?’ he asks me.

‘I haven’t put it in a formal letter, but she was lying to me and shagging you at the same time so yeah, those are not great foundations.’

‘We weren’t shagging-shagging…’ Tommy explains, looking around for kids with open ears. ‘I think I quite like her…’

‘So, it’s like how it was with Mia, I guess?’

‘Look, I don’t know what Mia told you but that was a one-time thing.’

I shrug. ‘Not really. You flirted with her via text for weeks, got her hopes up and then as soon as you got what you wanted, you cut her loose again.’ I was there through all of it and as much as I am angry at Mia right now, maybe someone does need to hold up a mirror to Tommy’s treatment of women. My tone is steely, cold and really not very like me at all, but I don’t care. Go on, tough old P.E. wanker, take a punch, because you humiliated me enough last night, you can’t do much worse.

‘You’ll probably do the same with Caitlin. You forget I was there when you and Steve started that bet about how many of the faculty members you could get through in a year. You up to double figures yet?’

His stance suddenly changes from someone who’s trying to be my mate to classic bully, as if he’s thinking I’m head-to-toe Nike and you’re in GAP chinos, you loser. I’m not sure what he wanted this conversation to be about. Did he want to compare notes? Is that what lads do? I don’t know what feels worse: the idea that Caitlin strung us both along or that I finally have something in common with this man.

‘Who are you, again? Oh yeah, Mr Science Nerd? The fact is you couldn’t compete,’ he says, spitting out his words.

‘I didn’t realise it was a competition.’

‘Girls don’t want blokes like you at the end of the day, simple fact. You’re boring.’

‘I see that now. They want bell-ends like you.’

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