Page 94 of Sex Ed

‘Excellent stuff. Mia,’ I say, turning into Caitlin’s road. ‘Is it bad to say that I’ve missed your face?’

As soon as the words come out of my mouth, I realise it’s a show of emotion that she will rib me for and that’s not what we do. Maybe the problem with Mia and I is that I never tell her enough how much her friendship means to me and how important she is in my life. Maybe I need to say it aloud more. If not out loud, maybe write it down on a postcard or have it written on a mug she can use around the staffroom.

‘I’ve missed you too,’ she replies. ‘You plank…’ And there’s the ribbing. ‘I’ll see you in a bit.’

She hangs up just as I pull into Caitlin’s road, and for some reason, I feel relief. Relief that I still have a Mia and that I’ve not scared her away. I’ll have to smooth this over with Caitlin who I know isn’t fond of her but in time, they might learn to like each other. We’ll all be teaching together still so it makes sense. I find a parking space and grab one of the boxes from my passenger seat.

Buy white. That pairs well with baked goods, I text Mia.

Posh wanker, she replies back.

I laugh and ring the doorbell of Caitlin’s flat, looking down at my phone.

‘Food’s here!’ I hear a voice say from behind the door. But I stand there for a moment trying to register who that voice belongs to. That was a male voice.

‘Grab the door, babe…’

I don’t know what to do. I feel the urge to run, to hurdle over this privet hedge next to me, to escape. The door opens. Tommy? From P.E.? The P.E. teacher? He doesn’t have a shirt on. His eyes widen as he sees me and we stand there staring at each other for a moment.

‘Steady Eddie, what are you doing here?’ he asks me.

‘I made muffins,’ I reply blankly.

And then from the kitchen, Caitlin appears, in a dressing gown, her bra visible, clutching a half-filled wine glass. ‘Bring it upstairs, we can eat it in bed!’ she shouts but then she looks up and sees me. Like I say, I’ve never had a period myself but she’s looking surprisingly well for someone headed to bed with excruciating cramps. Seeing topless Tommy was enough but this just cements the horror.

‘Ed? What are you doing here?’

‘I made muffins…’ I say, wishing I had better words at this precise moment. I think Tommy laughs under his breath. There’s no way I’m handing them over now though. I stand there weighed down by shame, by embarrassment that I thought this was anything more than it was. I want to say it’s like my heart breaking, but it feels far more mortifying than that. It feels like any shred of hope I had in my heart being plucked out like feathers. I was going to buy new shorts for you. I might cry but God, that would be the worst thing I could do in front of Tommy and his abs, so I turn, my hands having crushed the cardboard box in my hands.

‘Ed!’ I hear Caitlin call after me.

I keep walking, bumping into an Uber Eats driver as I go. I am not a horrible person, but I hope they both eat that takeaway and it gives them severe gastric distress.

‘It’s not what you think,’ I hear her voice echoing through the early evening air. I then walk past her bin to see the lid half open, a dead, shrivelled spider plant poking out the gap.

No, Caitlin. It’s even worse.

TWENTY-ONE

MIA

‘I don’t quite know how to tell you this, but it turns out Caitlin is some two-bit ho bitch and you are better off without her. I’m not even joking. Get out now, while you can. I can help you find someone else. We can jump on Tinder and find you a nice girl who’s into cats and plants. Or hey, crazy idea but what about li’l ol’ me? We could give us a go. I know it seems like a wild idea because you’re chalk and I’m cheese. Not even a mature cheddar, like some crazy continental cheese that you need to store in a separate box in the fridge, but I care about you, Ed. The last month has told me that above all things, I care about you, and I am curious to see where that goes. What do you think?’

I think you’re talking to yourself in your car, Mia, and a moment ago, there was a man putting the rubbish out with a very cute baby who saw you and may call the police.

Even though Ed told me to get some white wine, I still got something with a screw top, and it turns out that was a genius move as I can now undo that lid and take a swig for Dutch courage. You can do this, Mia. You can’t be weak now and back out of telling Ed because you’re scared of hurting him. Being with Caitlin for the long-term is what will hurt him more.

After I chatted with my GCSE kids, I went back and studied that TikTok clip in more detail. I looked at different versions of it, I scrolled through the comments. Was it her? Has she just left a trail of destruction in her wake? I wasn’t allowed to say it before, but I am glad I marked that girl’s card. I should have slapped her harder. Maybe that should be the priority. I need to get him away from her and then let the dust settle and tell Ed about my hugely confusing feelings for him further down the line, so the two things don’t get mixed up. That would work better, I feel.

A car pulls up into his block of flats. Shit, is this him? No, it’s an old lady in a taxi. I take another swig of wine and get out of the car. I’ll go and wait by his flat, sit outside his door like the stray cat that I am.

‘Mia?’

I turn as soon as I hear his voice, my heart fluttering a little to see him. He’s looking dishevelled, which is unusual for him and it’s suddenly wildly attractive to me. I really do like him, don’t I? I can’t quite read his expression though. Also, if those muffins are for me then they’re very squished.

‘Hello, stranger.’

His expression reads blank, sad. ‘You’ve already opened that wine, haven’t you?’

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