Page 70 of Sex Ed

‘Excuse me?’ Gareth questions her.

‘I’m not leaving until I’ve seen my sister and I know she’s OK,’ she replies. I like the tenacity, but I’ve already been punched by an old lady once this month and I don’t need a repeat of that. ‘Plus, I brought Ed here for a reason. He’s not my boyfriend, he’s a divorce solicitor. He’s here to chat to her.’

If I was already confused about where this was going, then this doesn’t help. I’m a Biology teacher. I’m not even dressed like a solicitor. I’m in a checked shirt. I gulp, standing up and attempting to smile to cover up this deceit. Gareth shifts his look to me.

‘Yes. I used to go to university with Mia and she told me what was happening. I work in family law,’ I say in serious tones that I may have heard once in a television ad advising people about getting a will. I wonder if there are other words I should say.Objection! Sustained! You can’t handle the truth!

‘She’s moved fast then,’ he says, looking at me.

‘It’s important she does so to protect her assets, the children. We’ve already received instructions about the house.’

‘What about the house?’ he says, his eyes wide.

I don’t bloody know, it just sounded fancy. ‘That’s confidential,’ I say, patting my pockets for some reason. As I do it, I watch Mia’s rage melt away because there is entertainment in seeing this man get some small iota of comeuppance.

‘She can’t take this house,’ he says. ‘I paid for it.’

‘And, by law, she is entitled to at least half of it.’

I mean, I assume that’s the law, but this is a huge assumption I’ve made on my part from watching far too muchLaw & Orderat university.

‘That bitch deserves nothing.’

I pause at hearing that word being used to describe a woman, any woman. ‘Rachel is also your children’s mother so at a minimum, she deserves your respect. You can make this difficult or you can try to make this as painless as possible so you all can move on. I would urge you to think of your kids in all of this.’

Mia stops for a moment as I say this and looks at me intently. Mainly because for me, who hates confrontation, those words were quite mature and put-together. Gareth says nothing but looks me up and down. Please don’t hit me.

‘Well then, if you’re here, I’m going out,’ he tells me, reaching for his keys. ‘Tell Rachel to text me when you’re out of my house.’ He eyeballs Mia before he leaves. ‘Kids, I’m just going to the supermarket to pick up some things. Aunty Mia is still here.’

‘And Ed?’ Felix asks.

He turns to look at me. ‘Yes, him too.’ The children cheer.

I swallow hard at the venom in his eyes and watch as he leaves. As the door shuts, I punch Mia in the arm. ‘What the hell?’

Mia laughs and jigs on the spot, coming over to hug me. ‘Yes, Ed! What a loser. Did you hear the words coming out of his mouth? He’s lucky I didn’t take his knob off with this plate.’

‘Well done for not doing that much,’ I mutter, still in shock.

‘It took all of my self-restraint, I surprised even myself,’ she says. ‘And look at you! Well done, lawyer Eddie. That was masterful.’

‘That’s fraud. I think he saw right through it. I don’t even know if that is the law,’ I say, gurning.

‘It’s not fraud,’ she says, smiling. ‘That was role play 101.’

‘It was?’

‘Yep. Well played, young man.’ Did she just wink as she said that? I really hope not.

FIFTEEN

MIA

‘She then pulled at his balls until he begged for mercy… Who’s the bitch now?’ Donna reads out in her polite withered tones.

I stand there in the community hall space as those words just bounce off the walls, hopefully not into the church or the crucifix will fall off the wall. Frank, who mainly writes poetry about birds he’s seen in his garden, shakes his head while Yolanda chuckles under her breath. Donna works in the charity shop at the weekends, she wears embroidered cardigans and pearls… what the actual hell?

‘OK, Donna. I’m going to stop you there before Frank has a cardiac moment.’ Frank’s face is frozen in disgust. He literally just read out a first-person poem about being a robin. It even rhymed. His mind is too pure for Donna.

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