Page 50 of Sex Ed

‘This is my new boyfriend, actually. Ed,’ Yolanda says.

I have not been consulted about this but I’m not sure I have a choice. Esther is giving me the proper stink-eye, or maybe it’s glaucoma. Yolanda pulls me in closer.

‘Really? I guess the young lad must be quite desperate then?’ Esther murmurs. Yolanda grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly. I have to say something to confirm our relationship.

‘That is really mean,’ I reply, not hugely convincingly. ‘Yolanda is a beautiful woman, and I am with her for many of her wonderful qualities,’ I then improvise, Yolanda beaming at me for playing along.

‘Like her dead husband’s pension?’ she retorts.

I recoil in shock, both at the spikiness and at being accused of being a gold digger.

‘Well, at least I’m with the one man. You gave Frank crabs, you dirty whorebag!’

Bloody hell, I wasn’t prepared for this, any of this, because suddenly, Esther launches herself at Yolanda, her hands stiff like claws and, like some bloody idiot, I stand there to defend this old lady who I’ve only just met. I hear fabric being ripped. Esther shrieking over the sound of the music. Esther’s partner walking away like he doesn’t want the drama. Or the blood. Is that my blood? Oh.

ELEVEN

MIA

‘I WANT THAT WENCH BARRED!’ Yolanda yells at me, as I try to fix her hair. Esther really went for her barnet and I need to place some of those curls back in place.

‘Yolanda, it’s not a pub. It’s a tea dance. You’re just as bad as each other. I didn’t think I’d need to write a code of conduct for something like this,’ I explain to her, pushing a small glass of wine in her direction to steady her nerves. ‘Why on earth did you tell her Ed was your boyfriend? He could be your grandson. That’s just filthy talk.’

Yolanda giggles then looks worried. ‘Is he alright? First time here and he gets a left hook to the nose.’

‘I’d have been better off taking him to a nightclub.’ I look over to the kitchen hatch where Frank, previously a GP, is treating him with a fusty old first aid kit we found in the storeroom.

‘You should go and check in on him. Make sure he’s alright,’ Yolanda says, downing her wine but also giving me some serious eyebrows.

‘You can stop that. He’s just a friend,’ I say, my lips pursed.

‘Mia, for all the years I have known you, you have never brought anyone here. That means something,’ she says. ‘He seems nice.’

‘He is. Maybe too nice though, you know?’

‘There is no such thing,’ Yolanda mentions. ‘I mean, I pressed myself up against him, too. He’s got assets.’

‘Yo, really?’ I cackle. I mean, I know about the assets but if I’m going to bring that up now, this old lady will not be subtle.

‘If I go check on him, will you promise to be good? Esther is over there eating her chips. Can you just leave her alone?’ Yolanda shifts her eyes around like an angry toddler. ‘Donna, can you keep her company?’ I ask a lady at another table. Donna agrees but as soon as I leave, I see them huddle together for a bitching session. Maybe I should ban the wine.

As I head over to Ed, I think about what Yolanda just said. This has always been a safe space for me and not somewhere I would think to bring a boyfriend. Hey, let’s go down to the church hall and you can meet all these people who smell like lavender and we can have a slow dance to Nat King Cole. Although I don’t care too much for what other people think, even I know that’s not a sexy look to impress a boyfriend. Maybe I trust Ed enough to let him see this part of me. As I approach him now, I’m not sure that trust will ever be returned though. I think he might have a tampon up his nose.

‘All OK, here?’ I ask him and Frank, assessing the damage. It’s not just a tampon up the nose, it’s a spoilt shirt and blotting up the rest of the blood with a giant roll of toilet paper.

‘Well, I don’t think anything’s broken but there may be a bruise. Esther really landed one on you,’ Frank tells him. Ed grimaces at him and shifts me a look.

‘Frank, I can take over. Your dinner’s ready when you are.’

‘Mushy peas?’ he asks.

‘Always.’

He leaves, putting an arm to Ed’s shoulder before he does. Ed refuses to look at me.

‘Is that a tampon?’ I ask him.

‘It is. Frank used to be the qualified first aider for a rugby team and apparently this is the best way to deal with a nosebleed.’

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