Page 96 of Sex Ed

‘You did nothing wrong except be you. You were kind to her, so kind, so for her to do this says more about her.’

He forces a smile and takes another swig of wine. I need to tell him, don’t I? This is all her. She possibly did this at her last school too. This is his first proper semblance of a relationship and I can’t let this harm him.

‘Maybe it is just me. A virgin at twenty-eight… there’s a reason I’ve been single for so long. I’m just not an attractive prospect. You tried your best, Mia, but maybe I’m just completely destined to be alone forever.’

‘You have me…’ I say, my throat closing as I admit that much.

He puts his hands to his face and I peel them back. He looks down. I could just tell him everything. Now. But let’s not forget, I am also me and have no clue what to say. Or do. So I put a finger under his chin so he’s looking at me. I kiss him. As my lips meet his, he at first doesn’t react. I want to say something, anything, everything but instead I let the pheromones take over and then he kisses me back. And it’s an Ed I’ve been hoping would make an appearance. It’s spontaneous Ed, not asking me where he’d like to put his hands, but lifting me up on to one of his breakfast bar stools and letting me wrap my legs around him. His kissing gets more urgent, and he moves down to my neck as I arch my head back, my body curling into his. His hand moves up my skirt and I feel his fingers stroke the inside of my thighs.

‘I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…’ he whispers. ‘Is this too much?’

I shake my head. Hello, are you Ed? Ed, who didn’t know how to do this a month ago. He pushes my knickers aside and slips his fingers inside me and I gasp loudly.

‘I don’t know what I’m doing…’ he says, his voice breathy and nervous.

‘On the contrary,’ I say, staring into his eyes.

‘I don’t want to have sex with you like this,’ he admits.

As soon as the words leave his mouth, I stop for a moment and he moves his hand away. ‘Like what?’ I ask, confused by what he means.

‘Like some sort of revenge for Caitlin. Out of anger. That doesn’t feel right. It’s not fair on you.’

He backs away. I’m not quite sure how to tell him that those two minutes of hot fondling were actually OK with me. We can keep doing that if it helps with the heartbreak.

‘And I don’t need you having sex with me because you feel sorry for me,’ he admits, grabbing the wine and taking a long swig again.

‘I never did it because I felt sorry for you…’

‘Well, that’s what you were doing now. Trying to convince me that I’m not some bloody sad loser…’

‘You’re not a loser.’

A tear rolls down his cheek.

‘I gave her money.’

I close my eyes for a moment. ‘How much?’

‘About a grand. I’m never seeing that again, am I? God, I’m an idiot.’

He stands there, the pain visible through his whole body. I don’t want him to think about any of that hurt or run through all those realisations of how his brief dalliance with Caitlin came to this. Seriously, just shag me. I don’t care. Because I don’t want him to think about all the food he cooked for her, the DIY service he provided and now the money he gave her. To have been taken for a mug like that will make him feel about an inch tall. I want to take that hurt away. I want him to shag me because I do care, I do care about him.

‘I should have said something sooner,’ I whisper out of the corner of my mouth.

It’s Ed’s turn to stand still for a moment. Shit. I said that out loud, didn’t I? ‘What did you just say?’ I try to run through how I can spin the words that came out of my mouth, but I can’t lie anymore. ‘Sooner… What should you have said?’

‘That night I came round. I knew then that she was bad news…’ My voice trails off.

‘Mia, that was nearly two weeks ago,’ he mumbles.

‘That Saturday night when I came round drunk, I’d seen her out with Tommy and I was trying to tell you and then she was here and I didn’t know what to do so I confronted her at school and…’

‘But… But… You didn’t think to tell me after that? You ignored all my messages. You knew for all that time and didn’t think to…’

‘I was going to tell you today. I found out other stuff. She did this at her last school, she also conned people out of money,’ I blurt out, panicked, trying to cover my tracks.

‘But you didn’t tell me before. You are my best friend, Mia. I thought… You let me find out like that? Tonight? That was a better option?’

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