Page 93 of Sex Ed

‘No, I teach, but it’s GCSE exam day tomorrow so I made the kids breakfast. And this year, I went overboard.’

I think about why that happened. I usually bake extras for Mia who has five muffins on the bus before we’ve even got through the school gates. Maybe mini Mia can enjoy them instead. I know nothing about babies, but I am sure she will enjoy the cake.

‘Well, I am happy to have reaped the benefits. This is pretty awesome of you. Thank you,’ he says, wiping tears from his face. ‘I can’t believe I cried in front of you.’

Well, I dropped a butt plug on your balcony so maybe we’re even.

‘Look, if you ever need a hand with anything then let me know. I haven’t been around a lot of babies, but I can bake, pick up milk. I always have coffee…’ I tell him, gulping loudly. I’m not quite sure why but maybe because a move like this is very unlike me. It’s me being vaguely sociable. Again, I hope he doesn’t think I’m weird – I’m just not used to this.

‘That’s kind, mate. Thank you,’ he says, noticing the other boxes in a shopping bag. ‘You delivering to the whole building?’

‘Oh, I’m like the muffin man tonight. One box for my girlfriend and the other for…’ I look at baby Mia and smile. ‘A friend…’

‘Lucky them. Thanks again, Ed. Say thank you, Mia,’ he says, taking her hand and waving it for her. I wave back, turning to the stairs and making my way down to the lobby.

Tonight, I will be the Just Eats Muffin Man, driving around and delivering baked goods so that Nigel and I didn’t eat all the extras through sheer stress eating. This will also take my mind off exams tomorrow, hoping that all the kids have remembered to go through genetics. They always forget genes.

As I get in my car, I think about what I just told Nick too. I’m going to see my girlfriend. That phrase doesn’t sound awful. I have a girlfriend. The muffins will be a surprise today as she went home after school with bad period cramps and said she just wanted to get into her bed. Even that felt like a turning point in our short relationship; it felt like something she divulged to me that was personal, that allowed her to be vulnerable in front of me. Periods. I don’t have them obviously, but I had a mother who had them. Maybe I should buy her some painkillers, too. Or a hot water bottle. She will have one of those. The muffins will be enough. I hope.

I also hope they will be enough for Mia, too. I heard rumours she popped into school today to see her GCSE kids and was looking for me. We must have missed each other but it’s a start, right? She was looking for me so maybe she’s not angry with me. Maybe she was just giving Caitlin and I a moment to settle into our relationship. I will heal any rift with muffins. She loves these muffins. I’ll head to hers and hope she’s there.

I have so much to tell her. I think this Caitlin thing is working. She’s stayed at mine a few times, we’ve been to the cinema together, I’ve bought her a spider plant, she’s talked about doing something together over the summer. Maybe a short holiday to the Greek Islands? I will have to buy shorts. Mia will have to help me choose them because she makes fun of my shorts. We have sex. I think the sex is going OK but still, there are things to run through. Like where does one put one’s hands when receiving oral sex? Mia told me not on her head. On my hips does not feel right, neither does behind my head. Not that I’ll practise these things with Mia, we can’t do that now, but I have cake, so hopefully she will give me tips at least.

The radio on my car suddenly cuts out and a phone call comes through. As soon as the name pops up on my car display, I smile broadly with relief, almost desperation to talk to her and hear her voice. I answer the call and try to keep my cool. ‘You’re not dead then.’

‘I am. This is me speaking to you from the great beyond.’

‘I told you my phone reception is better than yours.’ There’s a silence, during which I hope she’s contemplating her contract with Virgin mobile. ‘Are you OK, Mia? I was worried.’

There’s a pause. ‘I’m fine. I’m sorry I never replied to your messages.’

‘Suspended?’

‘It’s a long story…’

‘I have time. I heard you were at school today?’

‘I was chatting to my kids post exam. I looked for you but…’

‘I left early.’

‘And you’re not at your place now?’

‘No, I’m just delivering muffins to Caitlin. She’s not feeling too well tonight.’

There’s another pause, one that I don’t want to question.

‘Well, that explains why I’m sat outside your flat and no one’s answering the door.’

I grin. It makes me happy that she’s come to visit, to kick off her shoes at my front door and eat all my food, like the universe is as it should be. I glance at the clock in my car.

‘I can be there in twenty minutes? Can you stay put? I made you muffins too. I was going to find you and drop them to you tonight.’

‘Are they the apple ones with the crunchy streusel topping?’

‘Obviously.’

‘Then I will go around the corner to buy some wine and meet you back at yours.’

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