Page 79 of Sex Ed

‘OI!’ I shout. The corridor stops moving. At least I know how to sort our crowd control problem. I swap over to Caitlin’s side of the corridor as kids start to move, slowly taking in the drama.

‘Miss Johnson? Is everything OK?’ Caitlin asks, her face slightly panicked.

I pull her into an empty classroom. ‘We need to talk,’ I say, as I shut the door behind me. It’s on. This is so very on.

‘Is this about you bursting into Ed’s flat on Saturday night?’ she says, her eyebrows raised like butter wouldn’t melt. I have an overwhelming urge to stick her Alice band where the sun doesn’t shine.

‘Kind of…’

‘You were pretty drunk. What an evening though,’ she mutters, her face filled with an innocence that makes me want to barf. I need to take that look away, don’t I?

‘I’m talking about you being at Pepe’s Wine Bar on Saturday afternoon with your tongue down Tommy Wood’s throat,’ I say, any confusion about how I was going to deal with this situation suddenly gone.

Her smiley, innocent act flicks like a switch and she looks at me then laughs under her breath.

‘You were there?’ she asks. ‘How embarrassing, were you following him? I knew you liked him but that’s desperate.’

I furrow my brow at the insult. ‘I was there on another date, actually. I’m asking because it was a bit of a shock to see you at Ed’s the same evening. Who does that?’

‘It’s just casual with Tommy,’ she says.

‘But does Ed know? Ed really likes you.’

‘Can I just ask, how is this your problem? Is that why you showed up drunk on Saturday? To tell him?’

‘I’m mates with Ed… You can’t be with him and be shagging Tommy on the side.’

‘Excuse me?’ she exclaims, her face etched in shock. ‘I’ll do what I want.’

‘But it’s Ed. Ed is a good bloke. Please don’t do this to him…’

She frowns. ‘I can’t quite tell who you’re jealous about me being with, Tommy or Ed.’

I stop for a moment as she says that, my rage at her callous nastiness making me shake my head. ‘Decide who you want and just do right by Ed, that’s all I ask,’ I mutter slowly.

‘Oooh, fit P.E. teacher or the geeky Biology doormat who does anything I ask? Tough one…’

And this is when I make quite a bad life decision. Because I could have launched myself at Caitlin in Ed’s flat. I could have done it in that bar. I could have ended all of it there and then, but instead I decide to launch myself at her here and now, in this classroom. All I hear are chairs and tables clattering to the floor, and I’m aware of the faces of a row of schoolchildren peering through the door, and the frenzied scramble of hair and hands as I give her a sharp, pretty loud slap that echoes off the walls.

‘FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!’ I hear in the corridors, people running, kids cheering. I hope they’re cheering for me. Caitlin picks up a book and throws it at my head. I duck. You’ll have to do better than that, bitch. I take on some strange fight stance like this is about to go down, street style. She reaches over and goes for my hair. I scream and lunge for the Alice band.

‘MIA! Stop it!’ I feel a pair of arms go around me, holding me back, and see Beth’s face. ‘What the hell is going on?’ she screams. ‘All of you, go to your classes, NOW!’ she shrieks at the kids taking in the action.

‘She attacked me!’ Caitlin says, pretending to steady herself on a desk like she’s some anaemic, weak wench. I realise the Alice band is in my hands, so I snap it. It might be my best life achievement. I shake Beth off and wait as other teachers start to file into the room including our head teacher, Alicia.

‘What on earth is going on here?’ she shouts.

Beth looks at me like she doesn’t quite know how to help.

‘Miss Johnson attacked me,’ Caitlin says as a Maths colleague rushes to her aid, pulling her up a chair.

‘You did what?’ Alicia says, shock making her face curl up into a snarl.

I am speechless. Anything I want to say will make me sound like a child. She started it, she pulled my hair, she threw a book at my face. She’s shagging Tommy from P.E. and Ed from Biology. She’s a duplicitous, nasty cow. But I can’t say half of that, not here, not now.

‘I did,’ I mutter. ‘I apologise that the children saw that. That was poor judgment from me.’

Beth looks down to the floor, and I see a momentary smirk cross Caitlin’s face as if she’s wondering how she got away with that so easily. I stare at all the teachers glaring at me. This is nice Miss Bell from Maths. She brings her lunch in a floral lunch bag and wears proper shoes. What has come over you, Miss Johnson? We knew you were a loose cannon, but you’ve crossed a line.

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