Page 73 of Sex Ed

I lie down on my sofa and Nigel jumps straight on to my stomach, as if trying to calm me down. I just want this to work, to feel less like some idiot who’s never had love in his life, to feel like a fully functioning, normal adult. If this goes well then it could grow into a relationship. It could lead to sharing my life with someone who’s cool, pretty and who shares my love of houseplants. We could grow a jungle here together, re-pot things, take selfies with them in the background. That’s all I want.

It could be worse, I guess. I could still be a virgin and be going into this with zero experience, destined to fail. Thank God for Mia then, who at least taught me a handful of tricks to get me through. I retrieve my phone from my pocket.

Where are you?I text her.

I’m out.

I’m nervous.

Don’t be.

Run me through it again.

After dinner, serve dessert and coffees on the sofa. Hand on knee, get a bit closer, snog and handsy and then let it go from there.

Do I give her oral on the sofa?

If it goes there. That’s quite sexy. Just make sure she’s comfortable.

Like get her a cushion?

I mean, that she’s OK with what’s happening. Listen to her body language and what she wants.

This is going to be awful.

It’s going to be awful with that attitude. Can you fkn chill?

I don’t know how to do that! How do you chill out?

With a drink and a wank, usually. I have to go.

I see Mia go offline and drop my phone to my side. I mean, I could do some lesson plans, go for a run and play a video game but Mia has a point. Alcohol will take the edge off. I walk to my fridge and crack open an Asahi, sipping furiously at the top of the bottle. Have a drink. And have a wank. That’s also not an awful idea, to be fair. I’ve been reading up on this and it’s also a sure-fire way to ensure I don’t blow my tanks too soon. A strategic wank. Maybe that’s a plan for 4 p.m. tomorrow before I peel the potatoes. Do I set a reminder on my phone?

I wander into the bedroom. Have a wank. I know how to do that. I’ve been doing that since I was sixteen. It’ll be something to do. Shall I get in the shower? No need. Lube. I’ll use some of that. I reach under my bed to the box of sex toys I panic bought to retrieve the lube, tossing that tube up in the air like a cricket ball. OK then, Ed. Time to relax. I lie down on the bed, adjusting my shoulders into the pillows, and pull my trousers and pants down slightly, squirting some lube into my hand and taking myself in my hand. Positive thinking, Ed. Think about Caitlin, here in your flat, in your bed. She’s going to say nice things about your sea bass, and she will curl up on your sofa with a glass of wine in her hand and laugh at everything you say.You are so funny and charming, Ed. I want you, Ed.And she will get closer and kiss me and everything will just unfold like it does in a film. Her leading me to the bedroom, jumping into my arms with her legs wrapped around me. Her arms above her head, my body gliding over hers, her warm breath against my skin.Yes, Ed.

And a strange clanging sound? My eyes spring open for a moment, my cock in my hand. Was that my headboard against the wall? I hear the sound again. Clink, clink, clink. I sit up.

It’s only then that I see it. It’s the box of sex toys I opened to retrieve the lube, left open on the floor. Nigel is sitting there playing with the metal butt plug.

‘Nigel. No! Drop!’ I say, like he might be a dog who understands me. ‘Bad cat!’

Nigel looks at me, unamused. I’m the bad cat? You’re the one masturbating in the afternoon, you dirty sod. Leave me to play. I like shiny things. He ignores me and continues to clink it against the wooden laminate with his paws.

‘Nigel! Nigel!’ At this point, I should get up. I should close the door and lock the cat in the kitchen, but given I have a raging erection, I decide to throw a pillow at him. This is not the right thing to do because I like my cat and don’t want to be cruel, but it is also the wrong thing to do as the pillow hits the box of sex toys with some force. And I watch as a butt plug flies in a way that it shouldn’t out of my balcony window that is slightly ajar, followed by a sound like it may be rolling.

‘Shit, shit, shit!’ I shriek as I scramble out of bed, trying to pull up my pants. I go on my hands and knees to the floor, prising the window open fully. Please. No. I search for it amongst my plant pots then peer over the side of the small balcony space to see where it’s landed. I spot it glinting on the neighbour’s balcony below. I jump back into the flat and put my hands on my knees to steady myself, wiping my sticky lube hands on my trousers.

‘I hate you,’ I tell Nigel as he stares at me from my dresser, and I frantically try to put the rest of the sex toys back in the box. I will have to seal this. What sort of wretched cat plays with a butt plug? How the hell do I explain this? I don’t even know who lives in the flat below. Maybe it’s someone who doesn’t use their small balcony space? Maybe they’ll just think it appeared. They won’t think it belongs to me, it could have just fallen from a passing airplane. How the hell do I get it back? Do I tie a rope to Nigel and lower him down? Maybe I throw more stuff down there to move it. But then it will fall into the next neighbour’s balcony. It will be a catalogue of disasters.

Have a wank, Mia said. It will chill you out, she said.

‘Hello? Hello?’ There’s a voice coming from outside and I go over and stick my head over the balcony cautiously. Below, a man’s head is in view. Not just a man. He’s holding a baby. And a butt plug. I am going to hell but I’m also going to die from the shame.

‘Did this fall from your flat?’ he calls up.

‘Yes… I am so sorry! I was cleaning and it must have dropped down. Did it hurt anyone? Break anything? I’m really very, very sorry!’

‘Nope. All good. You coming down to get it?’

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