Page 63 of Sex Ed

‘It’s because out of all of us, you’re most like Mum. And she’s who I need right now,’ she says, still in hold. My lip wobbles at this point, my eyes glazing over. I picture our mum in her absolute prime; a woman who fought to the bitter end, was loyal to her girls, had infinite amounts of kindness, who championed us like we were the only people in the world.

‘Mum would do more than poo in an envelope,’ I tell her. She laughs and I take my hands and wipe at her face. ‘You have me in your corner. You need any help with the kids, you ask me, too.’

‘But you live in a house share.’

‘I have Netflix and running water, that’s all you really need with kids.’

She stops for a moment. ‘Can we go and get drunk? I think I need that…’

‘Then you’ve definitely come to the right sister.’ I pull her up from the sofa and open the door to the room, linking my arm into hers. ‘Let me get some things from the staffroom and I’ll meet you in reception.’

She nods. ‘Thank you, Mimi.’

She’s going for the heartstrings tonight, eh? That’s what my mum used to call me. I leave her to head for the staffroom, taking large strides on the stairs, a strange anger pulsating through me thinking about Gareth. I hardly know him really but now I want to know his testicles intimately and crush them in my hand. I think about his poor kids. I need to up my aunt duties and ensure this doesn’t hurt them. I push at the staffroom door a little too forcefully and slam right into the person standing there. Ed.

‘Shit! I’m so sorry…’ I say, hugging him. I’m not sure why I hug him, but I think it sublimates my rage at least. I step back when I see Caitlin standing there.

‘I see the Year 7 theatre trip went well then,’ he jokes, assuming my charging around to be associated with today’s adventures beyond the school wall.

‘Oh, you know…’ My eyes shift between the two of them and I suddenly clock that tonight is date night. They’re off for pool and chicken wings. I smile for a moment remembering when Ed asked me if it’d be bad form to sanitise his pool cue before use.

‘I see you’re off out. Have fun,’ I say, trying not to give too much away.

‘Do you want to join us?’ Caitlin asks.

I look at the sheer panic in Ed’s eyes. I mean, on the one hand, it’s good he’s kept this casual so it doesn’t look too much like a date, but on the other hand, he does not need me cramping his style. Or maybe he does need me? Like some Jiminy Cricket style mentor to tell him what to do? How long will he need me there for, though? I’m not hanging around the bedroom telling him how to touch her boobs.

‘Oh, it’s cool. I have other plans,’ I explain. I see her slip her fingers into his and grasp tightly. And I feel relief, because this is progressing into something sweet for my good friend. But there’s also another feeling there that I can’t quite describe.

ED

Balls, holes and angles. That’s what Mia said pool was all about. I should be a pro at it because I have a maths brain, but it’s also the perfect endeavour to show her some moves, lean over her and initiate some body contact. Mia even sent me some YouTube clips of romantic comedies where flirtations were started at a pool table, telling me to study the confidence and the swagger. I did. I watched those clips and took notes. I even practised standing in my kitchen with a mop beside the kitchen table, trying out my lines on Nigel.

However, like sex, it would seem dating and flirting are not things that can be rehearsed, especially when you’re in a place that doesn’t fit your vibe at all. I’m not even sure I have a vibe. All I know is that it’s quiet, possibly does a good charcuterie board and doesn’t blast alternative pop music at me like I’m in the middle of a festival field. For all my rehearsing, it might have also been a good idea to actually learn how to play pool because, like sex, it seems that I’m crap at that as well.

‘I’m going to go for the red in the top corner,’ Caitlin tells me, standing there with a hand on her hip, grinning at me. What also doesn’t help is that Caitlin is quite a pool shark. I try not to feel totally useless standing here in a sea of turn-up jeans with my Korean-inspired chicken wings, washing them down with overpriced bottles of hipster microbrewery beer. Caitlin downs the shot and I clap.

‘Seriously, are you some sort of professional pool player? I am very embarrassed,’ I reply, over-chalking my cue, watching as she bends over the table with her short skirt and knee-high boots. I try to do the gentlemanly thing and not stare.

‘Just a misspent youth with two older brothers. Your turn…’

I put the cue to my hand and pot the white ball. Skills, Mr Rogers.

‘Oh dear, Ed,’ she laughs. I can’t quite tell if she’s being cruel or trying to make me feel better, but I sigh and try to laugh with her. She retrieves the cue ball and makes some bizarre trick shot that means a big balding bloke on the neighbouring table claps. She curtsies.

I move to the table to take a shot and feel her arm touch mine. ‘Your stance is a bit off. Try relaxing this arm a bit more, the movement should be in the elbow, not the hand.’ She presses her body next to mine. She’s basically stealing all the moves that I rehearsed with my cat. Try and breathe, Ed. I take aim, offer a silent prayer to the snooker gods, and pot a red.

‘See…’ she tells me, winking. ‘Simple really.’ She goes over to take a swig of her bottle of beer and smiles at me. Don’t stare, Ed. ‘So, it appears to me from your pool skills that this might not be a usual haunt for you then?’ she asks me. I can’t fake this, can I?

‘It was Mia’s suggestion. She’s trying to rub off some of her cool on me.’

I think about those words as they come out of my mouth. Mia would laugh at that, a little too hard.

‘Well, it is very cool,’ she says, looking around the quirky signage and retro tables and chairs. This place is very Mia, mainly because they have six types of loaded fries. ‘Speaking of Mia, you both seem a strange match,’ she remarks. ‘She seems very different to you. Am I allowed to say I don’t think I like her?’

I can’t help but frown as she says this. I don’t deny Mia sometimes has unrelatable qualities about her, but it seems to be a bit of a snap judgement about someone Caitlin’s only known for a month.

‘She grows on you. Behind the noise is someone who’s very kind.’

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