Page 60 of Sex Ed

‘We’ve not covered this,’ I mumble.

‘Ed, just go with it. Don’t think about anything,’ she whispers in my face.

‘But… But…’

Clear my mind. Don’t come too quickly. Don’t come too quickly. You only changed the sheets yesterday. Should I count? That might help. One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi. I think I’ve already lasted longer than our previous time at least. Think about something non-sexual. Houseplants. Fridges. Pens. Shit. She’s getting a condom. Did she just use her teeth to open the pack? Is that allowed? She’s putting the condom on me.

‘Ed…’

‘Yes,’ I mutter, my eyes springing open.

‘It’s me. Relax. Just go with it. Just be here, now, in this moment and have sex with me…’

As soon as I hear her voice and look into her eyes, every part of me relaxes (not every part) and I exhale, my shoulders dipping, my back sinking into my pillow. Just have sex. Enjoy it, even. She slides herself onto me. I need to start counting again. That feeling. I can’t quite describe it. The way it rises through my spine. I make a noise and she smiles. Is that a good sex noise? I sound a bit like a baying cow. Oh dear. No. That feeling. Too soon, too…

‘I NEED TO CHANGE POSITION!’ I yell.

And with that Mia hops off me and curls up into a ball on the bed in fits of giggles. I look at her boobs jiggling about and laugh, too. What on earth are we doing? I have no idea but by gosh, I need work.

THIRTEEN

MIA

‘YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH ED?’ Beth’s voice shrieks.

‘I don’t think you said that loud enough for the kids in the back,’ I reply, bending down slightly, hoping that might mask my embarrassment. I look over at a Year 7 child who cradles his lunchbox like a hot water bottle. He definitely heard that. I give him a look that says, tell anyone and you’ll be on my radar for life. I am not sure why I relayed this fact to Beth but blame the end of a long school trip today where these twelve-year-old kids have been less enthused by Shakespeare performed live and outdoors and more with squirting fizzy drinks around and mooning people on the A316 as this coach crawls back to school. Please, let there be no more traffic or some of these kids will have to pee in their lunchboxes.

Beth sits there waiting for me to divulge more information, but the problem is I can’t really say much more without revealing Ed’s secrets. ‘Well, yeah,’ I say, sitting back into my seat. I always try to sit next to Beth on these trips as she brings Haribo. I steal one from the bag in her lap.

‘That I did not see happening. Or maybe I did?’

‘No, you did not,’ I retort. ‘In what world did you see Ed and I getting together?’

‘It’s a classic opposites attract, no? And I’ve always liked the friendship. It’s very sincere,’ she remarks.

‘Well, don’t buy a hat just yet. It really is just a casual thing to bide my time.’

‘It fills a gap, shall we say?’ Beth adds jokingly.

‘Exactly. And, shall we say, he’s not very experienced so I’m helping him find his feet because he really likes Caitlin, the new Maths girl.’

I go through my words in my head again. I did not out him as a virgin. I was very good there.

‘So, you’re giving him sex training?’ Beth asks, confused.

‘I wouldn’t put it in those terms but, yes.’

‘I have scenes fromRockyin my head here. Do you make him wear a sweat band and run up steps?’

‘Yep… And we shag to the theme tune.’

Beth laughs so hard a Tangfastic goes flying across the seats. I’m not sure how to describe my arrangement with Ed anymore but I will admit that at the weekend, he said something about respecting me and making me feel safe and I’ve never been more aroused in my life. So I got a tad carried away, I allowed myself to derive some pleasure from the moment. That was until Ed barked at me like a football coach about needing to change positions. Then I stopped feeling the moment and I got a severe case of the giggles. Did it kill the moment? Maybe. But it showed us we needed to work on our transitions a bit more. It showed me that I will never be able to take sex with Ed seriously. He’s Ed. Anyhow, after our giggles, he made me a sandwich. With his special pesto mayo. I also did my lesson planning there which was the best idea I’ve had in ages because Ed has excellent Wi-Fi and his crisp selection is unparalleled.

‘It’s just teaching him the importance of certain things,’ I say, slinking into my seat so I’m out of earshot. ‘Like it’s not just a dick in a hole, it’s paying attention to the whole area.’

Beth nods in agreement, pouting. ‘Amen to that. Teach him the importance of nipple sensitivity, too.’

‘Yep, I’m covering the whole shebang. When he’s done with me, he’ll be like Christian Grey – but a nice version without the red rooms and the trauma…’

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