Page 36 of Sex Ed

‘Wow.’

‘A problem?’ Alicia enquires.

‘No, just paperwork. The bane of my life. That’s a lot of reading.’

‘Says the English teacher who deals in books.’

‘Very true…’ Except those books are written for me. ‘Thank you, Alicia.’

I take the file and leave the office, seeing Alicia scanning my shoes as I do. They are Superga, Alicia. Kate Middleton wears these. I puff out my cheeks as the door closes, smiling at Alicia’s forlorn and mainly silent secretary who separates herself from us mere faculty members by having her own personal biscuit jar.

‘You OK?’ a voice says from behind me, coming out of the photocopier room. It’s the very sweet and shiny Miss Bell in yet another Alice band – she seems to have them in every colour. It’s the end of a school day so this place almost echoes without the children, it’s just the footsteps of frantic teachers getting as much done now so their work won’t have to follow them home.

‘Just paperwork and stuff. I see you’ve figured out the photocopier?’ I say, glancing at the stacks of trigonometry worksheets in her arms.

‘Yes. I have a card, all is good.’

‘Excellent. Next I’ll teach you how to get free cans out of the vending machine in the canteen.’

‘Deal.’ As we walk the stairs together to the staffroom, I notice this girl is very unlike me. It’s the shiny patent loafers with a tartan skirt, a jumper in that sort of cashmere mix that I would buy, wear once and then it would sit in my washing basket because I’m terrified of spoiling it. It’s very subtle accessories unlike my bright orange studs and matching Casio that I’ve had since I was a teen. What if she’s a virgin, too? That could have been cute and Ed and her could have lost their cherries together. Instead of me sticking my ass (quite literally) in the way.

‘So, what are you up to tonight?’ I ask her.

‘Oh, nothing much… I’m in a new flat so surrounded by mess and flatpack. I’ve got to sort out my life. You?’

‘Oh, wine will feature highly. And a veggie supreme. I’ll watch some shite on Netflix and then doom scroll through Twitter and then likely pass out,’ I say, as she giggles. I miss out the bit about porn and a wank.

As we enter the staffroom, I see Ed standing over his desk, packing his bag. I’ve not seen him much since Sunday. Yesterday, he was good at avoiding me as he was on lunch patrol but today, I did spot him changing direction in a corridor to not have to bump into me. It was upsetting. It’s not like I was going to announce to a sea of kids that I’d taken his virginity and part of this arrangement was that we weren’t going to make this awkward. We were still us. He doesn’t clock us as we walk in so my need for him to acknowledge me takes over.

‘ED!’ I shout loudly. He drops his lunchbox in fright to hear my voice then looks over at me sheepishly, smiling at Caitlin with reddened cheeks.

‘Mia.’ I can’t quite read his look. I don’t know if it’s fear or shame, but it hurts that he would feel either. We walk over to his desk and I perch myself on the end.

‘I had that meeting with Alicia,’ I tell him, trying to break the ice.

He takes a deep breath and smiles. ‘Did she fire you?’ Business as usual.

‘No. She was telling me about the new review process. I needed references so I put your name down. I hope that’s OK?’

‘I will tell her you’re impossible, loud and disorganised…’

Caitlin watches the banter between us curiously.

‘Perfect. You off now?’ I ask him as he puts his coat on.

‘I was. You?’

‘I have to stay and make headway with some marking before I scoot, but you know what? I just found out something very interesting,’ I tell him.

Ed ruffles his brow in response. Interesting can mean many things with me. I think it’s interesting McDonald’s stopped doing twister fries without personally writing me a letter to warn me of their intentions.

‘Well, I was chatting to Caitlin here and she has just moved into a new flat and she has a lot of flatpack to build…’

I can feel this idea brewing in the same way I felt the photocopier idea simmering away, but I’ve done some work to try and mould Ed into a human sexual being and it’s now par for the course that I should hand him over to someone who can move all of that forward.

‘And I know someone who is excellent at flatpack. He actually enjoys it like people enjoy Scrabble.’

Ed closes his eyes at my subtlety again while Caitlin looks mortified.

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