Page 33 of Sex Ed

My head may explode from the suggestion. ‘Maybe not…’ I’ve not bathed with a person either, ever. I can’t have two firsts in a day. I’ll overheat.

‘Ed, your face is not reading enthusiasm to me. You’re scrunched. If this is a bad idea, then tell me.’

Mia has that look on her face again that reads chilled. She’s coming in here on a Sunday and just announcing that we should have some sex, like we should watch a film, have a cup of tea. I need to soak a pan over there. I need to put the pork away or the cat will get to it. My mum was barely in the building five minutes ago. There’s a lot to compute.

‘I’ve just had a big meal. I had six roast potatoes,’ I tell her.

‘Ed, we’re not going swimming,’ she laughs, her eyes shining at me.

I laugh back at her. Maybe we just need to get this over and done with.

‘DO YOU HAVE A SPARE TOOTHBRUSH?’ a voice shouts from the bathroom.

‘No,’ I shout back.

‘That’s cool. I’ll just use my finger,’ she replies.

Whilst I’m glad Mia is paying attention to her dental hygiene, I worry a little about this cavalier attitude to not having the right equipment for the job. Where else could she put that finger? I don’t swear very often but holy shitting balls. I think I’m about to lose my virginity. I’m glad there’s not a fan in the room. I’m also glad there’s not been an ounce of spontaneity here. I got to clean my kitchen first, she helped and then I showered and arranged my things while she did the same and by ‘things’ I mean I put a condom on the night stand and broke the seal on the lube and spent a lot of time smelling myself. I also don’t know how to appear when she comes out of the bathroom. Completely naked? Leg cocked up? Maybe I should wear a towel? My pants? Maybe I should be fully clothed. Dressing gown, let’s go for a dressing gown.

The door opens. Shit. She’s in a towel.

‘How are your towels so soft?’ she asks me, rubbing her hands over herself.

‘Fabric conditioner,’ I answer, confused. Is this foreplay?

‘They’re lovely,’ she says, smiling. She’s silent for a moment while she looks around the room.

‘No Marvin Gaye?’ she asks.

‘I can ask Alexa if that’s what you want.’

‘Ed, no…’ She laughs and it somehow relaxes me. It’s a reassuring, familiar, almost satisfying sound, always infused with genuine happiness. I like hearing it especially in this very moment.

‘I like the room, by the way. It’s very clean. The Juliet balcony is a winner, very romantic.’

‘Thank you,’ I reply.

‘I’m going to take off my towel in a moment. Are you going to freak out?’

‘I can take my dressing gown off at the same time? After three?’ I ask.

‘Deal,’ she answers. ‘One – two – three.’

I can’t quite breathe. I feel my hands over the sash of my dressing gown untie the loose knot and make a strange flashing movement as I open it and then drop the gown to the floor. Please find me normal looking. Am I supposed to be erect at this point? I don’t even know.

‘Hey.’

‘Hey.’

‘You’re naked…’

‘So are you…’

At first, I can’t look at Mia. A mixture of nerves and shame and fear soar through my veins. But when I do look over at her, she’s smiling, laughing quietly and somehow that smile is all I see. I mean, I see breasts, too. They’re there, you know.

‘Ed, that’s quite a good penis,’ she says.

I can’t stop myself from glancing down. ‘Quite?’

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