Page 32 of Sex Ed

‘I was being impulsive. I had a bad morning. I saw my sisters.’ She pouts, slouching her shoulders.

‘The ones who treat you like an errant teen and have matching Hondas?’

‘You have been listening, the very ones,’ she says, kicking off her trainers in that way she does that is not good for her shoes. I feel she may be here to mope but at least she brought cake.

‘How was last night? Did you dance?’ I say, following her into my living room, examining her very gold outfit. She looks festive, like a bauble, but her effortless cool allows her to carry it off.

‘I did. I also met a bloke but that won’t be going any further. I’m still allowed to talk to you about that stuff, yes?’ she mutters casually.

‘I encourage it, to be fair. Why won’t it be going any further?’

‘Met him at the Tube station, snogged him with a bit of light frottage, stalked him on social media and turns out he’s living with a woman and a very tiny dog,’ she tells me, making a gesture with her hands that this dog is the size of her hand.

I put a hand in the air at the revelation. ‘You just kissed me at my door. Did you at least brush your teeth in between?’

‘I borrowed mouthwash from Beth.’

I arch my eyebrows, wondering whether to believe her or not. She heads over to the counter and starts picking at some leftover cauliflower cheese. With her fingers.

‘Well, with the kissing. Remember, I can’t do spontaneous.’

‘You’re very sensible, aren’t you?’ Mia jests.

‘Because I like you too much to ruin us.’

As I say those words, I realise I mean them and Mia stands there quietly, taking them in. I am still holding cake. Let’s shift the focus to the cake.

‘So, tell me about this cake,’ I say as I grab a fork from my kitchen drawer.

‘It was from a birthday lunch. It’s chocolate and salted caramel.’

‘Why does it look like it fell on the floor?’ I ask, putting the napkin down on my countertop. Mia has moved on to my potatoes and bites into one, her eyes closed in delight at the crunch.

‘I punched the cake.’

‘Is this a family tradition?’ I ask, confused.

‘No, I was angry. But no one saw me do it. I blamed it on the restaurant.’

‘Smart, if maybe a little childish.’

‘Yep,’ she says sheepishly.

I tuck in, trying to read Mia’s mood. I know she doesn’t get on with the sisters but don’t know whether to delve any further into that family drama. I can imagine living with her at some point in life would have been an adventure. ‘It’s good cake though, despite appearances. I like the sponge, good icing ratio… I think they’ve put orange through there, too. I…’

‘Shall we have sex today?’ Mia suddenly blurts out.

I cough, chocolatey crumbs spraying everywhere. She strikes me firmly on my back.

‘Seriously? I thought we said next Wednesday? It’s in our Google calendars,’ I tell her. This was important so she wouldn’t forget and diarising this as much as possible took any sort of romance out of the event, it made it organised and efficient even if she was intent on editing the event as much as possible to wind me up.

‘I mean, I’m here. You’re here. I shaved my legs last night to be able to wear this skirt, so it means I don’t have to shave my legs again midweek. How does this fit in with your sheet changing schedules? I know this was an issue for you.’

I can’t quite talk. Chocolate crumbs still line my mouth. If I wasn’t leaning against this kitchen counter, my knees would possibly give way.

‘I changed them yesterday. I’d need to shower first though.’

‘Oh, me too. Together?’

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