Page 21 of Sex Ed

‘Thank you for making an effort. I don’t think anyone’s lit a candle for me before,’ I say, as his body softens and relents against mine.

‘It’s an LED tealight…’

‘I like that you’re trying to create ambience.’

‘I bought incense, too. Shall I light incense?’

‘No. I also don’t want to sit across a table from you like we’re in a restaurant.’

‘If this was going to happen, I just wanted to make it special.’

‘For you?’ I realise that maybe I haven’t thought this through properly. Maybe I was being a little remiss in thinking he wanted to take away more from this given it’s his first time. It’s a memory to preserve for the ages. He might want to add some romance to the situation.

‘For you,’ he adds. ‘I wanted to be respectful. I don’t want you to think I’m just using you.’

I laugh and melt at the same time. This is also Ed, thoughtful with deep kind layers. It’s having a terrible day at work and him leaving a Snickers on your desk or coming to pick you up in his car because it’s raining, and he knows you’re trying to cart home five classes of exercise books.

‘Thank you, but seriously, I don’t need this. Do you also have Bruno Mars lined up on Alexa?’

He freezes for a moment.

‘YOU DO!’

‘Marvin Gaye.’

‘ED!’ He leans against the counter with his head in his hands. ‘Ed, I will tell you now, it’s very unlikely we’ll be having sex tonight.’

‘Because of the suit? The LED candle?’ he questions, slightly disappointed.

‘I know I agreed to all of this, but I thought we were just going to eat Singapore noodles and watch someStar Warstonight. I didn’t think we were going to multitask. In any case, I haven’t prepared.’

‘Prepared?’ he asks me, eyes wide.

‘For a lady, there is shaving to do and hair to wash. Even I have my standards. I don’t need to scare you off for the first time when you see the state of my…’

‘Wookiee?’ he asks.

‘That’s aStar Warsreference! See? We’re both learning!’ I put my hand up and he high-fives it reluctantly.

‘Ed. When this happens, I don’t need to be dated. I don’t need you feeling nervous and weird around me either,’ I say, placing a hand on his shoulder to reassure him.

‘I don’t. This is just different. You usually come round here for beer and pizza.’

‘I’ll be doing different things with the pepperoni this time, that’s all,’ I joke, making an action with my hands that makes him take pause.

‘Stop talking like that, it’s scaring me,’ he says, half-crying, half-laughing.

‘Yes, I come here for pizza, and we put on a film, and I usually drink one too many beers and fall asleep on your sofa, drool into the cushions and you leave me there, sometimes throw a blanket over me and pop a bin next to me in case I need to throw up.’

‘This is a romantic image,’ he jests, starting to dish out the rice from the takeaway containers.

‘Ed…’ I tell him, standing close beside him, resting my head on his shoulder. ‘It’s still me. Mia. You don’t have to prove anything to me today. You’ve seen it all when it comes to me.’

‘Well, not everything,’ Ed corrects me.

This is true and perhaps a barrier that is making Ed nervous, so, to prove a point, I stand there in Ed’s kitchen and take off my hoodie and t-shirt in one fell swoop. I then reach around to unclasp my bra. This way he’ll see that beneath it all, I’m literally skin, bones, organs and a touch of cellulite. Ed immediately averts his eyes as I whip them out. I sense Nigel the cat in the corner of the kitchen, confused as fuck, thinking this isn’t what you usually do when you come round on a Wednesday.

‘It’s not the sun, Ed. Look at my boobs.’

---