Page 19 of Sex Ed

‘That’s different.’

‘Kind of, but I do feel I am judged quite unfairly for it. My nieces and nephews are mean to me about it.’

I laugh under my breath, but I am judging her for it. How has she managed this? How? I have zero popular cultural reference touchstones; those films may be my only one.

‘So, Caitlin… That could be the solution?’ she says, with hope in her eyes.

I shake my head firmly. ‘But no. I don’t think you realise that when you push me into a sexy photocopier situation with a really pretty girl, it’s like flinging someone who’s never swum before into a swimming pool and telling them to do laps. I feel behind on everything. I’ve not got years of experience to draw on. I’d be naked in a bed with this woman and would have zero idea what to do,’ I confess quietly.

‘What you need is a practical classroom sesh,’ Mia jokes.

I laugh a little too hard, clinging to my falafel.

‘Ed… dear Ed. Then maybe that’s what we do…’ she says, looking thoughtful while still chewing exceptionally loudly given we’re in an enclosed space together.

‘I don’t get you.’

‘I know you almost choked to think of the idea of having sex with me just now. But let’s just do it. Have sex. I’m not in a relationship at the moment, I’m a free agent and, to be frank, I do have hard-earned years of experience that you don’t. I may as well put them to good use,’ she says, almost a little too matter-of-factly. In a way that almost says, you have a hole in your garden, I have a spade. Let me help you fill it in.

‘Mia…’

‘Ed, this is an actual thing. I did some reading on the subject. People who want more sex experience sometimes pay therapists and surrogates to walk them through it. I could do that for you. Let’s face it, even though we’re friends I don’t think we’re meant to be in a relationship. I don’t really feel any attraction here,’ she tells me, waiting for me to gesture that she is right. She is right. I’m not even going to argue with her on that one. ‘This would purely be a way for you to be a non-virgin. I’ll walk you through it. If this is a cause of stress in your life then let me take that away from you and give you a safe, consensual space to have sex for the first time. Let me be helpful for once in my life and repay you for all those times I’ve stolen your lunch…’

‘You could just repay me in falafel,’ I suggest.

‘But you’d still be a virgin.’

I have no choice but to laugh under my breath at her reply. ‘You’d actually do that?’ I say, half in shock, half worried.

‘Yeah?’ she says, like it’s no big deal.

‘What’s in this for you?’

‘I’d need to see you naked first before I answer that,’ she says, pointing at me.

‘NOW?’

‘Obviously no. Send me a pic…’

‘Really?’

‘Ed. No,’ she laughs. This is not funny. How can she be so calm? I watch her fill her face with chips and think about what she’s just suggested. Surely sex should be about being attracted to one another, about a shared intimacy, passion, raw animal instinct. Offering sex in the way she has feels strange, almost a little too official, not romantic in any way, shape or form. I know I’m twenty-eight, but I have fantasised over what my first time would look like. It didn’t involve discussing the mechanics of the situation sitting in my Skoda, eating steaming hot falafel and fries.

‘Mia, I don’t want to take advantage of you, or for it to feel weird… Wouldn’t this get in the way of our friendship? I like you as a friend. I don’t think it’ll be the same once you’ve seen my thing…’

She smiles. ‘Your thing? You describe it like it’s something out of a horror film. It is a penis, a cock, a wang…’ A thought strikes her, and her eyes shift to me, panicked. ‘Is there something wrong with your penis? Is that why you’re a virgin?’

‘No! I think it’s normal.’

‘Then this wouldn’t get in the way. I wouldn’t want to lose you as a friend either,’ she says, coming close to me and trying to rest her head on my shoulder. ‘Come on, Ed, let me help you.’

I take a deep, deep breath. ‘Only if you promise one thing?’

‘Condoms? Well, yeah.’

‘Can you watch aStar Warsfilm please?’

‘Whilst we’re doing it?’

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