Page 18 of Sex Ed

‘You’ve told no one else?’

She puts a hand to her chest. ‘I swear on all my nieces’ and nephews’ lives. I have been very good.’

‘Then yes, Mia Johnson. I am a virgin.’

She doesn’t laugh. She looks strangely thoughtful, raindrops still caught in her hairline.

‘Define virgin,’ she enquires. ‘Like if we go with the American baseball analogy. You’ve gone to first base and kissed a girl, yeah?’

‘Yes.’

‘Touched boob?’

‘Over bra.’

‘So that means you’ve never touched a nipple so certainly not a lady’s vajajay?’

‘No. Someone has touched my penis though…’

‘As in jerked you off?’

‘Not quite.’

‘So no blow jobs either?’

‘Definitely not.’

She sits there with a serious look to her brow, like she’s conducting a job interview.So you’ve created an Excel spreadsheet before? Yes but no. I would need further experience and a brief tutorial, but I’ve seen it done. I think I could do it.

‘Ed. Dude, you’re missing out.’

‘I know this already.’

‘Do you watch porn?’

‘Yes.’

‘Like, are you into strange sex things? Is it a religious thing?’

‘I don’t think so. I’m an atheist, a man of science. Why all the questions?’ I ask her, watching as she’s trying to compute the situation.

‘I’m just working out if you told me because you’d like me to have sex with you?’ she says, plainly.

I spit out a bit of pitta which lands on my dashboard, herbs and beetroot spraying all over my chinos. Beside my car, a bus pulls up just as I have a massive coughing fit, and a couple of passengers look through my window to see Mia sharply patting my back.

‘God, don’t die, you pillock!’ she shrieks at me.

‘That’s not why I told you!’ I yell back. She starts laughing and it instantly alleviates the tension. ‘I was drunk.In vino veritasand it’s very much my reality and my truth, my biggest secret.’

‘You could have kept far worse secrets from me,’ she adds.

‘Like?’

‘You have questionable politics, you’ve extorted money out of pensioners, you have a dead body under your porch?’ she lists, counting each one off on her fingers.

‘I live in a flat. I don’t have a porch.’

‘But it’s just one thing. One thing you’ve never done. I’ve never watched aStar Warsfilm.’

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