Page 100 of Sex Ed

‘I went for fun. And what is more fun than… a ukulele?’ I say, using jazz hands to illustrate the levels of fun that we will be having.

She’s frowning. ‘Come again?’

‘It was that or felt making.’

‘What the hell will I do with a ukulele?’

‘Learn a skill and a jaunty tune. If you ever go to Hawaii, you can be at one with the locals.’

‘This is ridiculous,’ she tells me, stopping in her tracks in the car park.

‘This is fun. You need to remember how to have fun. You’ll love the teacher, too. Her name is Donna.’

Yes, Donna with the sidebar in pretty graphic porn also likes a mini guitar. Who knew? Rachel’s face speaks otherwise, the crestfallen look of a kid who’s received clothes for Christmas. I link an arm into hers and do a little happy jig to get her in the mood. Surprisingly, this does little to boost her enthusiasm, especially when she walks into the room and sees that the average age of the room is around sixty.

‘I think I prefer it when you get me paralytically drunk,’ she says. ‘Or when I bring you to summer bazaars and you tell everyone I’m dating a man with a giant penis. That was fun.’

‘True, but we also need to diversify and I’ve paid for a block of five of these things so you’re locked in with me here,’ I say with my thumbs up.

‘Great.’

‘We can learn a duet. We can perform it at Christmas like we used to do when we were little. I can make tickets.’

This at least makes Rachel laugh and she finds a blue plastic chair and takes off her coat.

‘Donna!’ I shout from the back of the room. ‘This is my sister. Hook her up.’

Donna gives me a thumbs up. ‘The one with the shithead husband?’

Rachel swivels her head around to me.

‘The very one.’

Rachel glares at me, going to retrieve her instrument as I laugh and take a seat.

‘Shithead husbands. I know all about them,’ a voice says to me. ‘I had one many moons ago.’

The lady next to me wears a floral headscarf and denim jumpsuit. ‘Well, I’m glad you got rid. I hope he has since lived a life of misery and inconvenience,’ I reply.

‘Like a lifetime of incredibly itchy crabs and never being able to find a parking space,’ she suggests.

I laugh. However, as she turns to me, I recognise this woman’s face. Have I taught you before? Is it from the tea dances? Hold up, I do know you. ‘You’re Ed’s mum?’ I tell her.

Her mouth drops open. ‘I thought I knew you! Mia. We met that one time,’ she says, her eyes beaming. ‘Adele. Fancy seeing you here. I didn’t know you played the ukulele?’ she says, excitedly.

‘Oh, I’m here with my sister,’ I say, pointing. ‘We are trying new things. I teach Donna creative writing, so I thought we’d try this.’

She looks over at Rachel who waves back even though she has no idea who she is.

‘That’s great. We love Donna, she makes the ukulele interesting, shall we say.’ I can imagine. She gets out a bright yellow ukulele from its case but watches me curiously and then looks at her watch. ‘I’m guessing you’re still on suspension then? It’ll be why you’re not at school?’

I smile as she says this, for one moment thinking I’ve been caught out as a teenager. ‘Yeah. How did you know?’

‘Ed. Are you OK?’ she asks me. ‘That can’t be easy.’

I look into her eyes and for one moment, I see Ed. It’s an enquiring and kind look, like a hug with the eyes and for one moment, my heart skips to remember him as my friend. As someone who I miss so very much.

‘Kind of.’

---