Page 170 of Feels Like Forever

Sadness grows in her eyes and thins her breathing.

“Well,” she says more weakly and more hesitantly than before, “it, uh…it wouldn’t stick with her for long, would it?”

That has my throat constricting. Not because it’s insensitive or infuriating, but because it offers me an unexpected, strange, deep sense of comfort.

“But it would stick with me,” I state. “Right? I mean, not the bad part. Knowing I tried to…to get all of this out so it won’t weigh me down when I’m with her…that would stick with me?”

She nods. “Yeah, I think you would feel freer. Don’t know if I’d call it closure, but something like it, you know?”

I nod, too, as Lolly’s voice drifts into my mind. “She used to say things like,‘Forgiveness isn’t for the other person. It’s for you.’So something along those lines?”

“Yes. Exactly.” A ghost of a smile touches Liv’s lips. “Do you know anything about, like, the twelve-step program? For alcoholics, I mean?”

“Not really. I’ve just heard of it.”

“Well, I don’t know a lot about it, but I’ve picked up bits and pieces over the years.” She lifts her shoulders thoughtfully. “I’m pretty sure one of the steps has to do with making amends to people you’ve hurt, and even though this situation isn’t—you know, it isn’t an alcoholic situation or whatever—I think talking to Lolly would be like making amends with yourself. You would be admitting…I don’t know, not what you’ve donewrong, because you haven’t done anythingwrong,but….”

The strange sense of comfort grows. “Yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, Liv.”

She looks apologetic. “Really? I’m not butchering it?”

I close my hands around hers, which are still on my face, and say seriously, “You’re not butchering it. You’re perfect.”

Her expression softens. “I thinkyouare.” After a breath, “I love you.”

God, my fucking heart.

She said it that first time, then again before we fell asleep, and here it is now. Just like those other times, it goes deeper than anything else that’s ever been said to me, because her actually saying the words isn’t all that’s special—it’s alsohowshe says them. They leave her chest, not her mouth. They’re always vulnerable and strong at the same time, no matter what her expression and volume are like, no matter where we are or what we’re doing.

I lean in and steal a kiss from her before I tell her in those exact same ways, “I love you back, Liv-Andria.”

I feel her smile a little, and I have to smile, too.

Until I remember what else we’ve been talking about.

I sigh. She’s taken the edge off my thoughts about Lolly, but they’re still plaguing me. “Do you mind if I do it now? Talk to Lolly, I mean?”

“Not at all. Want me to take Rae somewhere for a little while? Or we can stay with you. Whatever you’d like.”

Hesitation taps at me. “I—I think it needs to be just us two in there. I’m sorry.”

Only warmly, she says, “I understand completely, so don’t apologize to me.”

Both relieved and nervous, I plant a small kiss on her lower lip. “Okay. Thank you. I guess I’m ready.”

She squeezes my hands, releases one so she’s still holding the other, and steps away. “Let’s go, then. I’ll take Rae to the courtyard or something.”

We go back into Lolly’s room. Rae is still talking to her—about me now, actually, and how happy she is that Liv and I are together. My grandma is still nodding like she’s not having any trouble following along, but I know she is.

I make sure to hug Rae before Liv disappears with her. Such an angel.

Then I sit in the chair I was in earlier, next to Lolly’s recliner.

She gives me the vaguest smile. It’s like I really am a stranger and she wonders why I’m sitting with her, but she doesn’t feel it would be polite to ask.

I blow out a breath. Then I say softly, “Lolly, I have to talk to you.”

Her expression doesn’t change.

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