Page 139 of Feels Like Forever

I’ve spent five years making her childhood better than mine, and I’ve managed it because it’s only been her and me.

Weakly, miserably, I tell Landon, “I can’t have you.”

“You can have me right this fucking second if you want me.”

He hasn’t moved again, yet I’m suddenly aware of his breath drifting across my lips.

Every bit of my body blazes with the most magnificent fire—my blood, my muscles, my cells.

I remember the dreams I had of him, how very close we were physically and emotionally….

I’ve known torture, but this is an all-new kind.

Throat aching, I whimper, “This is too much.”

“You can just let itbetoo much, you know.” Again, so softly, “We’re not a disaster.”

Burning hotter and hotter.

Would…wouldletting him overwhelm me really be some great sin?

“Liv,” he murmurs, “you’re safe with me.”

It sounds like he’s just said,‘Live. You’re safe with me.’

Oh, I want to.

I want to live. I want to kiss him so badly it hurts. I want to beg him to keep me with him forever because being with him really does light me up. Itilluminatesme.

But…

…I’m not a girl who’s cut out for a forever with anybody.

I’m not free to drift off into some fairytale. I’m not free to think of myself that much.

This isn’t a dream. This is real life, where decisions have consequences.

I refuse to be selfish, and I don’t want to show more weakness than I already have.

Huffing out, “I have to go,” I release his shirt and turn away from him.

“Please, no,” he says, his steps instantly following mine.

My voice rises along with the tangled tidal wave of emotion mounting uncontrollably in me. “I think we need to spend some time apart. This friendship isn’t working out.”

“Liv,no!” He catches back up to me when I stop moving to collect my phone and keys. I feel his hand on my arm. Even though it’s gentle, the blackened part of me reacts to it like it’s not, has me wrenching away as he says, “Don’t shut me out! Please! We’re better than this!”

I whirl around, frustrated tears blurring my vision enough that I don’t see the full distress I know is on his face. “I don’t have to spend time with you if I’ve decided I don’t want to. I’m allowed to change my mind about any-damn-thing I want, Landon.”

“You’re also allowed to enjoy your life!”

“I enjoy making sure Rae never gets hurt like I did!”the wounded child in me suddenly shouts.

The words get a sharp breath out of him before they ricochet back to grown-up me and punch me in the chest.

Deafening silence falls.

What…what have I just said?

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