Page 102 of Feels Like Forever

It came back during breakfast when she said Sundays are her favorites because of me. But since Rae said it, too, I didn’t let it overwhelm me. Not that it was some small thing for Rae to say, of course, but it certainly wasn’t the same as with Liv.

And the feeling came back again when Lolly stomped all over my heart and Liv walked over and picked the battered thing up off the floor and took both it and me away because she knew I couldn’t do it by myself. She knew I would just keep standing there, staring at Lolly, wondering, withering….

I snapped myself out of it again on the way to the car, especially once the cool rain was splashing onto me. And then I was snapped right back into it when she said she’d drive if I needed her to, because I knew then and there what Ineededand it was to touch her again, to feel anchored by her again.

It just won’t stop.

Thing by thing, memory by memory, it builds up in me.

In Target, we’ve collected every costume Rae likes and we’re helping her narrow them down. Liv is so patient and sweet, not opinionated about the fact that there are girlyandscaryandtomboy-ish costumes in the pile.

Rae accidentally drops and steps on one of them with her rainy shoes and Liv doesn’t bitch her out about it, just assures her it’s not a big deal and works on cleaning it off.

When she leaves to hunt down possible accessories to help with the decision-making, she comes back with a hop and a cute roar, a dinosaur mask over her head, and pretends to take a chomp out of my shoulder. And after Rae and I go get our own dino masks and gang up on her, Liv laughs happily, even when I sweep her up in my arms and fake-bite the arm she doesn’t have around my neck.

Then, as we’re all chilling out and taking the masks off, she gives me a weightless, delighted look with those light blue eyes and reaches up to fix my hair.And I can’t help feeling it again.

I like her.

Ilike-like her.

Despite the things I’ve told her and myself and Bill about not wanting to bother with girls at this point in my life, I do—I want to dateher.And I want to date her just as she is, just as I am; nothing about our situations has to be different or easier or timed better. I want to keep giving her everything I have been, and I want her to keep giving me her smiles and trust and compassion and peace, and I want both of us to give more.

Because thisiswhere I belong: with her, with Rae.

Getting through difficult times with them and being silly no matter where we are and waking up with Liv against me and starting my days with themiswhat I should be doing.

This is the life I set out to find after I dumped Amanda, even though I didn’t think it would look this way or pull me in so fast. I thought finding meaning and happiness and my real place in the world would require time and effort and getting serious about certain things, maybe even traveling—who knew? I definitely thought I needed to be single to get my priorities straight, because in my mind…hell, just like in Liv’s, in my mind, a relationship would be a distraction.

But look at what I’m like when I’m with her.

Look at the two of us together, and at us with Rae.

It hasn’t all been easy or pretty or fun, but those hard, ugly, stressful parts have been worked through and learned from, which is how it should be. That’s how people grow.

I watch her turn to me from where she’s been holding up two quite different costumes for Rae to look at.

Her expression is open and easy as she says, “Okay, Landon, we can’t decide. Which is better, cool Wonder Woman or a pretty fairy?”

And even though I join in the contemplation (I do like Wonder Woman, but Rae would be a cute fairy), I can’t help thinking about how much Liv has grown withme. She used to be much more polite than warm, much more cautious than comfortable.

I know she’s still struggling; she was struggling as recently as yesterday. But where did she end up turning? Not inward. Tome.And I don’t want her to ever stop doing it. I don’t want her to ever decide that keeping to herself is better than reaching out for me.

I wonder when she’s going to see all of this, too. When she’s going to see we actually did cross the line of friendship we drew and that it isn’t a bad thing—that it’s agoodthing, that it’sright.When she’s going to see our attraction to each other has gone deeper than the surface, gone down to a place that’s real and that matters and that makes things better, not worse.

Something else I know, though, is thatbeforeshe turned to me yesterday, shedidturn inward. Sure, I found out later that she thought about me all day, wanted to talk to me and hug me, but she didn’t let herself unfold forhoursbecause she felt stupid and scared.

So, unfortunately, I’m not sure she’s going to take it well when she realizes exactly how far we’ve fallen. That’s something she’s always been against, so it’s not going to be her fretting just about me seeing her vulnerable after a nightmare. It’s going to be her realizing she’s broken the huge vow of restraint she made to herself, and there’s a good chance it’ll send her running out of feeling more foolish and afraid than ever.

The thought of it hurts like hell.

But I think…

…no, Ibelievethat if she does do that—if she tries to run from how happy she’s accidentally made herself—she’ll come back to me.

It might take her a while, but I believe she’ll let the truth in, because she’ll see whatI’vecome to see: distractions really are bad things, but we aren’t distractions to each other, we’re complements. We’re the kind of match that makes things perfect, not the kind that burns things down.

It’s obvious.

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