Page 67 of All Of My Firsts

“He won’t like me telling you this, but I think you should know he’s going to therapy. Twice a week. He’s been a few times now.” Liam says, keeping his eyes on me.

Something that feels a lot like guilt slams into me, making my eyes prickle and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I haven’t spoken to him, but I have heard from him. I haven’t been able to reply for two weeks because, well, it has a lot to do with my pride, but also because I don’t know what to say anymore. I still have feelings for him and even though I know I should be dealing with them, I can’t bring myself to deal with the pain.

“I haven’t spoken to him, but he messages me every day. And leaves me flowers on my doorstep,” I say softly.

Jess clutches her chest, her voice laced with emotion. “He does?”

I nod, pushing my food around my plate. Suddenly, I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I need to talk to him to check if he’s okay.

“I think he’s trying to change, and I think you should talk, that’s all,” Jess suggests.

And I know she’s right. I want to talk to him.

A couple hours later and I’m sitting on my bed, phone in my hand, my thumb hovering over his name. “Get a grip, Nora. Just call him,” I mutter to myself. Closing my eyes, I press down on his name and bring the phone to my ear. My heart beats wildly, trying to escape its cage.

“Hey Nora.” His raspy, deep voice affects me far more than I’d expected it to. “Nora?”

Shit, I haven’t said anything and now I’m just a creep who pants down the phone. “Hey. I’m sorry, it’s late. I just realised the time,” I say shakily.

I hear shuffling noises. “No, it’s not that late. It’s good to hear your voice.”

“Likewise,”

“Are you at home?”

“I am.”

And then there’s an awkward silence because how am I supposed to casually ask my ex-fuck buddy about his mental health? There’s nothing casual about us. We’re still wading through the aftermath of whatever we were, and that complicates things. I can’t just come out and ask, but I’m the one who called him, so I need to think of something.

“How have you been?” he asks before I get the chance to say anything, and I’m grateful that he took charge.

“I’ve been…”tired, emotional, lonely, frustrated. “Busy with work.” It’s the truth. I’ve thrown myself into work, spending more time than I probably should reviewing old case files and completing online training.

“Busy is good,” he replies.

“How have you been?”

“I’ve been okay, not great. I have been working plenty too.” He pauses for a second, then takes a sharp inhale. “I’m taking your advice.”

My heart picks up to a steady canter. “My advice?”

“I’m talking to a therapist. You were right. I need to do it. My head has been a mess for a while and dragging you into that just proved to me that I had some unresolved issues I need to work through.” He exhales roughly and I imagine him dragging his hand over his face and rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “Nora, I’m really sorry. I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but I want to say it. I need to. I never meant to hurt you, but you need to understand why I acted the way I did.”

“I’m listening.”

He sighs deeply and I feel it all the way through the phone. “I know I’ve mentioned my parents splitting up before, but growing up, they weren’t all bad. It got worse when I turned ten. They argued constantly and would threaten to leave the other and take me with them like I was a suitcase and not a human being. Living in a constant state of fear that my parents would never be happy has impacted me more than I’d realised. I shut myself off. I never got attached to anyone and I worst of all, I didn’t show you how I felt about you because of that.

“I struggled to see how any relationship I would have with someone would be different. I was a product of two people who, in the end, hated each other. So, when I started having feelings for you, fuck, I was terrified. I wanted to tell you how much you meant to me, but the fear inside, I let it choke me and I ran. I shouldn’t have and I don’t know what I was thinking because as soon as I left you, deep down, I knew I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.

“Nora, I can’t lose you. I don’t want to. You make me so happy. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to be better for me, and for you. I want…”

I cough to clear the lump in my throat. “What?”

He takes a measured deep breath. “More than anything, I want you to let me back in, please, let me try and be better for you, for us.”

Tears fall freely down my cheeks. I canfeelhe’s sorry, and that just makes me feel more confused. I want to forgive him, jump into his arms again and feel that connection we’d built over the last few months. But I also want to hold him at arm’s length because I’m scared too. But isn’t falling in love about taking the risks too? Isn’t that what I’ve been trying to achieve with my list? I put myself out there and he took me on a journey that I’m incredibly grateful for. In a few months, I’ve had more fun than my whole life.

“I’m scared, Grayson,” I admit, emotion coating my voice.

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