Page 58 of Poems He Wrote

But, before you start skipping the meals, let's eat a lot of bad foods, Ronan, one last time.

Just one more time. Cookies, pasta, Sodas. Gummy bears, fries, cheesecake.

You are so fat, nobody will notice you binged one more time.

We can purge it and starve after, okay?

A tear rolls down my cheek, as my own voice coaxes me to hurt myself the best way I can. With food. I stare at my reflection in the mirror, but don’t see a woman. I see a child I used to be when I first heard the words ‘you should lose some weight’come out of my mother’s mouth. I was twelve, and already a few centimeters taller than her, and none of her clothes fit me. She was angry about it.

I was fourteen the first time she said I should cover myself up, since I have a body of a woman, and therefore I seek out men’s attention. Her man’s attention. He was the one in the wrong, not me. I was a child. But oh well, she is not any better than him.

I try my best to compose myself and silence the voice in my head. The kitten runs around the bathroom as I brush my teeth, and then my hair. I make two french braids and let them fall down my back, just like I do to Noah. It makes me feel grounded. Touching hair, playing with it. That’s why I do it to him so much. That’s why I love it so much. It radiates peace.

My phone chimes with a new message, and I pick it up from my nightstand as I head towards the living room.

Eat while it’s still fresh. Don’t let the coffee get cold.

Xoxo, miss u already

I laugh out loud and plug the charger cable into the phone. Is it possible that he feels there is something wrong?

I walk into the kitchen to grab my portion of the breakfast and am met with a bouquet of green flowers sitting in a huge vase in the middle of his dining table.

Everything is green. Hydrangeas, dianthus, chrysanthemum, bells of Ireland…even the card is green.

You bring me light.

You are it for me.

Your man

I smile and pull the vase up to my nose. It smells so fresh and clean, and has thatflower shopnote to it. It smells like love. It feels like love.

Toma meows at my feet and I put the flowers down on the floor. She stuffs her nose into hydrangea and sneezes the tiniest sneeze I’ve ever heard. She zoots out of the kitchen into the living room and hides. Poor thing, her own sneeze must have scared her.

Opening the fridge, I am met with one more surprise. A few containers full of different pasta salads are stacked one on top of the other, with notes stuck onto them. My stomach does a happy churn. Next to the pasta, there is a dark green box.

I made sure they put something green in it too.

Good morning, baby.

See you tonight.

My day is already so much better, but I happily take the box out and open it. Sweet aroma fills my nostrils. A large croissant sits in the center of the box. It’s cut in half vertically, filled with cream and fresh fruit, lots of which is kiwi. It’s covered in pistachios and white chocolate shavings.

I am marrying this man. That’s it.

I grab a plate and gently set the croissant on it, trying not to mess it up. I can’t stop smiling.

The sun shines through the windows, since Noah’s lifted all of the blinds. Some of them are open, letting the fall afternoon breeze in. Nearing my last night’s spot, I almost drop everything I’m holding.

My eyes water as I take in everything that’s in front of me.

A tiny coffee table is filled with books and hot chocolate packets. There are my favorite authors stacked on top of each other. Dark romances, monster romances, some book prints and bookmarks. A note sits on top and it reads ‘I went through your Goodreads’.I smile as I wipe my tears away.

There is a deep, forest green armchair next to it, with lots and lots of throw pillows. One of them falls to the ground as Toma wiggles out from behind it.

I sit down next to her, now letting the tears fall down my cheeks as I ask myself what I did to deserve all of this. I have this urge to call him or go to him to thank him, but I know how busy he will be today and I don’t want to take away from his work.

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