Page 88 of Fighting the Darkness

“I did.” He smirks. “I used to fuck my hand over and over again, trying to get the damn hard-on to go down, but it never seemed to help.”

“Well, shit. That’s kind of hot.”

We laugh together quietly.

I’ve missed him so much. I want to snuggle into his side and let him hold me. I just want him.

“Why did you leave me?” I ask, my voice sounding so small even to my ears.

He sighs, running a hand over his face. “Because you needed me to make a decision, and I couldn’t do that here.”

“Why not?”

“Because when I’m around you, I can’t think of anything but you. I don’t want to do anything but touch you.” A small smile turns up the corners of his mouth for just a moment before he sobers. “Being with you feels like I’m betraying my best friend, and he’s not here to tell me whether it’s okay or not. I had to get away and actually think. You asked me to stop leading you on, so I left to figure out if I could really do this or not.”

I scoff at that even as something warms inside of me. I appreciate that he didn’t just want to give me the answer I wanted to hear, and then change his mind. But he left me.

That’s the part I can’t get past. He left me. He shouldn’t have left me.

“You couldn’t have just said that?”

He ducks his head again, chagrin clear on his face. “I was afraid one of you would try to convince me to stay.”

“You’re an idiot,” I inform him. “Part of the reason I’m so angry—why I was so fucking hurt—is because you left without a word. None of us knew where you were. No one could reach you by phone. You weren’t at your house. You could’ve died and none of us would have known. All you would’ve had to do is say you needed time and space. I would have understood—we all would have. But you didn’t.

“You’re so worried about breaking a promise you made to my brother six years ago, but you didn’t hesitate to break your promise to me. You promised you wouldn’t leave me again, and you did. No matter what you decided while you were gone, how am I supposed to ever trust you again? You ran away when I told you I loved you. Is the idea of loving me so horrid that you had to run? I just don’t understand, and it hurts so much. I want you to be a part of my life, but if I can’t trust you... Then what?”

Wilder takes a deep breath, nodding. “I understand everything you’re saying, and I even agree with you. It’s one of the things I realized while I was gone. I clung so hard to a promise I made to Freyr as a teenager that I was ignoring other promises I made—to him and to you. Did you know he made me promise to be there for you if something ever happened to him?”

I shake my head. “No. Why would he do that?”

“Because he was always worried about you. Sometimes I wonder if he didn’t know that something was going to happen to him. Some of the things he said to me over the years... it’s kind of freaky, but what if he knew he was going to die young?”

“He might have. Sometimes he knew about things before I told him. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe it was something more.” I shake my head again. “But that doesn’t matter. This conversation is what matters.”

“It does. You’re the only thing that matters. I’m sorry I broke my promise to you—that I held onto that one promise I made to Freyr, often to the detriment of the other promise I made. I think a part of me was afraid of you and what we could become if I forgot about the promise I made to him. It’s stupid and makes no sense, but it’s what I realized. I was afraid of you—of us. Then you add in the other two men in your life, and my mind was all over the place. I needed the time away to think, Freya, but now I have my answer if you still want it.”

The petty part of me wants to tell him no, it’s too late. But the other part needs to know his answer.

“Tell me,” I breathe, already preparing myself for the worst.

“I’ve been in love with you since we were kids before I even knew what it really meant. Then, as teenagers, I began to see you differently, and your brother didn’t approve.”

“He’s not here now,” I remind him.

His smile is sad as he nods. “He’s not, and that’s what made it so hard for me. But I realized something while I was gone. I’m miserable when I’m not with you. I still love you, and will for the rest of my life. All I can do is hope that you’ll allow me the chance to prove it to you. I know I have a lot of things to make up for. I want to make it up to you—to show you that you can count on me, that I can keep my promises. I love you.”

“You already said that.”

He chuckles. “And I’ll keep on saying it unless you tell me to stop.”

“Never,” I whisper, leaning toward him. “Kiss me, Wilder.”

So he does.

It starts out hesitantly, something he’s never been with me, but when I brush my tongue along the seam of his lips, something inside of him breaks open. He deepens the kiss, his tongue flicking across mine as he pulls me toward him and into his lap until I’m straddling him. His hands drop to my hips as he grinds his hard cock along my cloth covered, now dripping cunt. I whimper into the kiss, wanting this, but also wanting so much more.

Am I forgiving him too easily? Maybe. But I can’t help what I feel, and I know he’s meant to be mine. He always was.

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